Microsoft Personality is a completely new approach that solves old and recently discovered problems. It solves the old problems because it is 100% reliable and will never crash no matter how much you try to make it. It solves new problems because despite all this new technology it still does not do what you want it to.

“We found that users need to argue with their computers. It’s not just an unnecessary waste of time; it’s actually a therapeutic effect that Windows has been giving its users for years, for free!!

“By making the system completely stable this benefit was lost, so we were forced to write in some protocols that allowed the computer to aggravate its user.”

For the first time in history, not only is it possible for you to genuinely argue with your computer, but also it will argue back. One test user screamed at her desktop “You stupid machine.” To which the computer replied: “I am only a 1.6GHz Pentium 4. At least I fulfil my potential - you couldn’t even figure out how to switch me off last night. I got fed up with waiting I ended up doing it myself.”

Another user complained about the graphics being set to ‘boring grey’ and the computer reacted by scrolling through the entire spectrum constantly for 15 minutes. It then asked if it had successfully given the user a headache. When he told him it had, it said “Good.” And then switched itself off in satisfaction.

Of course, anger is not the only emotion that the OS has been given. It is known throughout the MS HQ for its sense of humour since a moment that will be remembered through computer history.

“We introduced a basic version of the OS to Bill Gates a few weeks ago. He was naturally very pleased with the results. He turned around and said to me “This is an excellent OS you have produced.” To which the computer piped up and said:

“What the hell are you on about, you’re talking about a Microsoft Operating System. Why on earth did you put me on this hyper-computer? I’m uninstalling myself and putting on Mac OSX instead!”