The days of “Fatal Exception Error, press Ctrl Alt Delete to reboot” are gone. Instead users can now expect to find messages like:

One of the many messages the new Operating System will interrupt you with.

Or even: “What the hell are you doing you lazy muppet, you’ve changed my screen saver settings 23 times today. Are you actually going to do some work?”

The introduction of a Microsoft Personality has many repercussions, particularly in the marketing department. Where XP has a “Home” and “Professional” edition. Personality has a “Family” and “Complete” edition.

As the names bear a resemblance to their XP counterparts, it is logical to assume they perform similar roles however this could not be further from the truth.

“Initially we did intend to release a Home and Professional edition of Personality. However when we networked them, the Professional editions bragged to the Home edition about all the extra features it had, so the Home edition shut down and refused to reboot until we included them in his.”

Microsoft was forced to rethink the marketing slant on its OS. And a shock discovery on one computer led to the invention of the “Family” Edition.

“I was nearly fired!” Our informant joked, “I was called into my managers office and was told how disappointed he was in me, especially considering my sensitive position. Completely baffled by his allegations, I asked why and he called up the Temporary Internet Folder within my computer. Let’s put it like this, if you purchased the ‘Complete’ edition of Personality, it might not be your teenage son looking at naked pictures of Britney Spears on the Internet.”

Microsoft assures us that the problems that occurred between the ‘Home’ and ‘Professional’ editions of Personality will not be seen between these two versions.

“There are no extra features on either version. The only difference is in the ethical database. This essentially defines the personality of each machine, and does not affect its performance. It may mean that the ‘Complete’ edition considers the ‘Family’ edition to be a bit of a snob, and that ‘Family’ thinks ‘Complete’ is a tad immature, but it won’t cause either of them to throw a wobbly.

“The small disagreement actually serves to protect family users.” our source revealed, “Complete is less inclined to communicate with Family, and Family is less inclined to listen. Therefore if a user with complete was to try and influence a user of Family the OS would cut in and prevent any information to be exchanged.”

The cynic would say that anyone trying to compromise this arrangement would simply try and use a Family edition to disturb Family users. However, the family edition of Personality will not allow certain types of behaviour, which includes hacking, accessing pornography, swearing or similar banned activity.