In cartoons you will often see characters using matchsticks to prop open their eyes to maximise the time they spend revising. THIS DOES NOT WORK. During our tests we blinded 4 test pupils by getting splinters in their eyes when the matchsticks snapped or got embedded beneath their eyelids.

Following our tests we suggest that taping the eyelids open by the eyelashes is a much more effective way of sustaining the “eye-open period” – however avoid sneezing as this is likely to be quite painful if your eyelids are properly taped open.

When doing test papers in class, always write the wrong answers for questions you are unsure on. This means that your predicted grades will be low and thus you will become an overachiever when you get your final results. If you do know all the answers to the questions why are you reading this guide? You might be laughing at the people who need to read it but then unlike you they don’t pin their hopes of scoring on “SomebodyLikesYou.com”

No matter how unreasonable it may seem, there will be no questions on Counterstrike in your IT exam. Therefore you cannot count any periods of playing it online as revision towards your exam. However, with Microsoft now sponsoring Computer Courses around the country there are likely to be questions regarding Bill Gates’ Deity Status in your RE exam.

Unless it is your Biology exam the next day avoid inviting your girlfriend/boyfriend over for a revision session. If you are studying IT then avoid contact at all costs as cybering with middle aged man from Birmingham pretending to be a 15-year-old boy, or a Scotland Yard officer pretending to be a 15-year-old girl is not going to help you at all.

Government approved Revision Guides will tell you that you need to take breaks in your revision to relax your mind and break the tension. IGNORE THAT ADVICE. If you are reading this guide you are too far-gone to afford taking a break in cramming.