I was having a conversation last night with Mark Baese, the heir of Gullibavaria Island, who was telling me that his sister stumbled across the page when searching for her surname in Google.

A quick search confirmed this was a likely story, with it appearing 7th on the list of results. I decided to do the unthinkable and search for myself in Google. Sure enough, Random Perspective topped the list for Ben Dickson.

But that was fairly predictable. Aside from the Canadian teenage hockey player I regularly get confused with by 14 year old Canadian girls I am most probably the only Ben Dickson to inhabit this globe. So I decided to up the ante – if I am 7th for Baese, someone who only makes up 2 articles on my webpage, surely I would be first for my own surname – Dickson…

No, I was not 1st, or even 7th. A few clicks later, well 20 to be precise I found my website listed as the two-hundred-and-second result for my surname. Positon 202! I should be first…

I have tried writing to Google, but all my complaining did was turn up this: My website should be listed first for Dickson.

I don’t understand Google’s logic: sure, the Bank of Dickson may be a bank, but does it write biting, worthwhile satire. And does it care that it’s listed 8th for Dickson? I mean, I’d be damn pissed off to find out that my Bank was beaten by Barbara Dickson OBE’s website – sure, she’s got an OBE but does that make her more important than a Bank?

It certainly does not make her more important than me. I could now lie to you and tell you I turned down a knighthood, but that’s just not true. But the fact remains I was voted the greatest living satirist by my esteemed fellow webmasters on our secret satire web forum – I would post a link, but then our secret web forum would lose its secretness.

So taking this into consideration I should be first for Dickson. And not just in Google I should be first for Dickson in Yahoo. First for Dickson in MSN. First for Dickson in Ask Jeeves. And if all that fails, I’ll make sure I am first for Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson Dickson.