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>> News > United Kingdom
Superpowers Intended For Britain’s FBI Styled Police Force - March 29th 2004

The Government has revealed it intends to grant superpowers to the new FBI styled police force it outlined earlier this year. The move comes as it became apparent that the force would not be able to operate effectively if restricted with the guidelines governing Britain’s standard police force.

Initially the Government had intended to give the force phone tapping abilities, and permission to track people by their cell phone however David Blunkett did not think this went far enough and instead has insisted that the force be given true superpowers – such as X Ray vision, the ability to fly and the ability to make giant spider’s webs.

Whilst the complete list has yet to be outlined David Blunkett has insisted that his police force will we resistant to Kryptonite – a material that almost prevented Superman from saving the day on many occasions.

“At the end of the day, I expect this will dramatically decrease the crime levels throughout the nation,” Mr Blunkett explained, “Superman only ever used his superpowers to fight threat to the world and he always won. By creating an entire force of super beings to target drug dealers and terrorists I really don’t see how they stand a chance.”

Civil liberties groups have opposed Mr Blunkett’s plans on the basis that Mr Blunkett came up with them.

“Whilst it’s difficult to see any real problem with these laws, and they do seem like a good idea, there must be something wrong with them because David Blunkett invented them.”

Other critics have been quick to point out that Mr Blunkett has inadvertently made life much easier for the criminals:

“Mr Blunkett doesn’t understand the true nature of superheroes,” Comic book expert Keith Wilson explained, “They’re not meant to be a symbolism of an army. Their massive power is balanced by a massive evil. This police force of superheroes will be such a huge blip of good it can only be balanced by something truly terrible. God knows what he’s let us in for.

“Besides, superheroes are the most fallible people on the planet. All the bad guys need to do is kidnap some semi-attractive newspaper reporter and they’ve rendered the police force useless.”

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