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>> News > United Kingdom
Woolworth’s Early Christmas Celebrations Spawns the “Anti Christmas Suicide Squad.” - October 5th 2004

The department store, Woolworths, has started its Christmas promotions a full 3 weeks earlier than in 2004. With 81 shopping days left to go until December 25th, the store becomes the first major national chain to put up its Christmas decorations. With more than 2 months to go, many people believe the decorations have appeared far too early.

“We’ve barely finished our summer holidays and suddenly Woolworths is ramming Christmas down our throats…” Random Perspective Editor Ben Dickson complained, “Have they forgotten about the other holidays taking place in the near future. Next Sunday is lame dog day, November 19th is my birthday. In fact, 1 whole month before Christmas on November 25th is Random Perspective’s second anniversary… I haven’t even decided who to award my commemorative crockery franchise deal to, although it’ll probably be my 2 year old second cousin with his paper plates and wax crayons.”

Some people had suggested that Woolworths may as well leave their decorations up all year round – but a spokesperson for the store explained it was bad luck to leave your decorations up past January 6th. They explained that previously they had believed the end of October was the earliest they could put their decorations up without falling prey to the bad luck, however latest scientific research conducted by their marketing department had concluded it was now safe to start on October 5th.

The consequence of the move has led to the formation of a radical anti-capitalist group, who go by the name of the “Anti Christmas Suicide Squad.” The group had declared their attention is to attack and destroy any Christmas promotions they consider to be put up prematurely. They claim to have raided two chains of Woolworths, tearing lights from display and cutting power from their tannoy system broadcasting Christmas themes.

Although branded as a minor terrorist organisation, squad leader, Keith Wilson, defended their actions:

“It is absolutely ridiculous to start celebrating Christmas in October – if Christ had been born on October 4th he would have been 6 month premature and I don’t think even the son of God could have survived that 2000 years ago. He would have probably been auctioned to cannibals for dessert on some archaic form of eBay.”

When questioned about his gang being named the Anti Christmas Suicide Squad, he was slightly more defensive:

“Well to be honest the name’s a little bit misleading, I mean we’re not against Christmas, just stores advertising it early – and the suicide bit’s rubbish too. None of us are prepared to die for it, except Chuck but he’s got issues. To be honest the only reason we chose the name was because it made a great headline.”

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The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

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