Michael Jackson has given his DNA to authorities in order to help clear his name against the charge of child molestation. The International Pop Star gave the sample voluntarily following advice from his army of dedicated lawyers.

“We are certainly impressed with Michael Jackson’s co-operation,” Police Captain Chuck Hankman announced in a press conference, “Whilst the voluntary donation of DNA always shows confidence by a defendant, in Mr Jackson’s case it is particularly brave because after removing the sample of DNA he is now technically classified as a mannequin.”

The transformation occurred, according to top geneticists, because Michael Jackson had very little live tissue left from which to extract DNA. After the police took their sample it is alleged Michael Jackson has none of his original DNA left thus meaning he must be considered to be a mannequin.

“To be honest, I’m not surprised. I’ve suspected him to be a mannequin for some time,” Music critic Keith Wilson stated, “I mean, come on. Can any real person moon walk? And he sounds like someone is standing behind him singing through gritted teeth in an effort to trick someone it’s not them singing. It’s just been clever lip synching and motion control.”

A small detail of 15 lawyers from Michael Jackson’s broke off of their main objective to tackle these claims and have stated that anyone claiming Michael Jackson is a mannequin will have legal action taken against them. They did concede, though, that they could not mount a legal action if a website stated he was an asshole as that was personal opinion.

Random Perspective does not understand the point of this admission, as it is quite clear that Mr Jackson is an asshole.

Simon Cowell, Music Producer famous from American Idol, said that Michael Jackson probably intended the mannequin transformation:

“To be honest, I think it’s a stroke of genius.” He explained in unusually positive feedback, “I think he is rebranding himself for the 21st century. Everyone knows the only stuff that sells today comes from manufactured pop artists.”