It was revealed today that the security protecting the new Harry Potter book was far tighter and more advanced than the security at Britain’s nuclear missile silos.

“It’s to be expected, to be honest.” A top ranking official explained to us, “I mean, let’s face it – Harry Potter is a world phenomenon. Everyone wants to know if he’s going to finally defeat Lord Voldemort – or if Dumbledore’s going to die. And we can’t wait to see Harry captain the Quidditch team. That would just be ace.”

When questioned about the security systems at the missile silo the official paused a bit before thinking:

“Well we’ve got most entrances covered. Except the one down south because it’s a bit of a walk from the canteen and the coke machine’s out of order.

“We won’t let no white vans in either, we’ve all seen the movies. Terrorists take some inconspicuous white van to steal the nukes in. Well they won’t be pulling that trick here.

“Come to think of it, we did have one funny incident quite recently. Some guy obviously thought we were the depot for the new Harry Potter book. He drove in, in a lorry cab front end, and drove off with a trailer full of warheads. Once he realised his mistake he brought the trailer back and apologised. We thought nothing of it, but it turns out he then pulled the same stunt at the Harry Potter depot and made off with nearly 8,000 books.

“I wish I could remember what he looked like, but I was too busy sorting out this Iraqi guy who had popped in to pick up some stuff. Normally it wouldn’t be an issue but for some reason his order wasn’t on my books. I apologised for the inconvenience, as he seemed to be in a bit of hurry to leave.”