Tony Blair, on a lightening state visit to the United Kingdom, gave his papal blessing today to the postal voting scheme he has forced upon large sections of the British people.

Standing on the back of Jack Straw, who had made the mistake of grovelling on the ground before his great leader as he approached 10 Downing Street, His Holiness, Tony the great, whom there is no one greater (apart from George Bush) and supreme ruler of Islington, spoke out to the crowds of three journalists and a bemused dustman, saying on this wise, "Hello. (large toothy grin and "trust me" expression) I want to give my blessings to the great postal voting scheme. (arching of eyebrows and slight dribble appearing at the corner of mouth) My wife has assured me that the scheme is NOT (emphasis on "not" with a sincere wave of the royal hand) open to corruption and the royal mail can be trusted to deliver the returned votes in time for the next round of local elections next year." (Kicks Jack Straw for having the temerity to wriggle under the weight of the great world president).

Harriet Harman MP and Margaret Hodge MP then appeared, dragging a wailing child away from a distraught father and muttering dark curses against men in general. Mr Blair fixed them both with a cold stare and cast out the demons of men hating, child hating, male victims of domestic abuse hating, justice hating and Blunkett baiting. Both women then ran into number 11 downing Street to meet with their high wizard, Gordon Brown, to have the demons put back. As they left Harriet Harman was heard to say, "Margaret. We must remember to call a meeting of the politically correct sistas and feminist matriarchal society and pass an emergency resolution to bring to the attention of the United Nations, W.H.O and the world-wide lesbian alliance of Dildo makers unions, that the casting out of hard earned demons should be outlawed as it oppresses women." Mrs Hodge replied that she thought, "boys should not be allowed to sit in classrooms during lessons and fathers should be made illegal, effective of next Tuesday." Mrs Hodge also said she was going to petition the Pope to make Ulrika Johnson a saint.

The almighty and holy Tony stepped off of Jacks back and hurried back into number 10 before any of the gathered press pack could ask him any unrehearsed questions on topics he had not agreed to speak about 3 months in advance.

The "free" press left, grumbling about "bloody politicians" who think they run the world, only to be almost run over by a large vehicle in the shape of a pork pie, driven by John Prescott. Sir John the fat of Barnsdale (also known as, "two pies Prescott") was just returning from a successful street fight with two teenage street clowns and a war veteran. He claimed the clowns had, "given me funny looks and asked for a swifty in the nuts." Apparently, the war veteran was thought to have rushed to the aid of the two clowns when he mistook John Prescott for Herman Goring, who was also fat but is also, very dead.

The dustman picked up a whimpering Jack Straw and hurled him into the back of the dustcart.

Later in the day, David Blunkett told a meeting of disinterested journalists, gathered in a packed telephone box, that he is going to push through a new law making it illegal for men to refuse to vote, with a penalty of hanging and sequestration of all money and other assets and the forfeiture of their rights of having their children visit their grave after death.

Asked if he thought such measures are too extreme Mr Blunkett replied, "Extreme? Me? Are you f*****g kidding? I'm a pussycat I am." He was then asked what would happen if the Royal Mail lost the returned votes and it was not the mans fault. He said, "Rubbish! Most postman are men so, if the votes go missing, it will simply be as a result of the patriarchal conspiracy to oppress women in the counting halls." A journalist -- previously exiled to the "Tolpuddle Echo" by an angry editor at the Telegraph for refusing to write a piece on government statistics that showed 657% of all women suffer domestic abuse and only 0.0000000001% of all men in all the known universe suffer at the hands of their wives and only then if the wives in question have had hormone replacement therapy and suffered years of bad service at a local Yates Wine Bar.-- asked Mr Blunkett if he would also prosecute females who failed to return postal votes. Mr Blunkett replied, "Women never commit any form of criminal offence ever! Get it? Anyone who says different is a chauvinist pig and...." At that moment a passing female drunk kicked Mr Blunkett between the legs.

Writhing on the ground in agony, Mr Blunkett gasped, "I deserved it. I should never have tried to dominate the pavement in a typical male controlling way. By standing in one place, for so long, I was denying her rights to walk on that part of the planet without having to meet a man." At that point, his guide dog mistook him for a lamp post and cocked a leg.

Mr Blunkett later had himself arrested for domestic abuse after admitting thinking that the woman that kicked him was, "a bit nasty."