George Bush, in a shock announcement, revealed today that he intends to invade the Isle of Man on the eve of the presidential elections in America. In a press conference on the white house lawn Mr Bush (who looked as if he had been drinking) told the staggered (and very gullible) international press gathering that the Isle of Man has, “had this coming for a long time.” Asked why he felt that the Isle of Man was a threat to modern democracy President Bush replied that the intended war had nothing to do with democracy. Instead he claimed, “Our allies have complained that the Hotels on the Island are shockingly expensive.” Chips shops “Sell soggy fries” and the Mayor on the Island, “Has terrible B.O. and crooked teeth.”

Mr Blair, who was with the President, giggled and tried to hide a huge joint behind his back. When George Bush had finished speaking and lurched off to his left to tickle Ms Condleeza Rice, Mr Blair walked very slowly to the dais and with a look of mock gravitas etched on his face. He looked up at the assembled journalists and then spotted the twin microphones attached to the plinth before him. Collapsing into hysterical laughter and rolling around on the floor, he pointed wildly at the mics and shouted, “They look like crabs eyes!” It was some 11 minutes before he was able to stand and take questions from the assembled press corps.

Mr Selwyn-Rhyss-Hodgington-Smythe-Forbes-Langley-Wittington Smoad, of the London Times, asked Mr Blair if he felt that Britain was obligated to defend the Isle of Man because it is a sovereign territory of Great Britain. Mr Blair replied, “Look. I just want to say, that if George wants to invade the Isle of Man, I have every confidence that he has good democratic reasons for doing so, man.” He went on, “I mean, hey Smoady, like erm, don’t get sooooo uptight baby. The Isle of Man has weapons of mass destruction hidden in bunkers deep beneath its Bingo halls.” Mr Blair revealed the satellite photographs of the Island had shown the American Intelligence Services that the Mayor of the Island was using old ladies sitting in deck chairs on the beaches to hide secret trap doors that led to the bunkers.

Fred Wally, of The Sun Newspaper, asked Tony Blair if the rumours he had heard that the Isle of Man was also being used as a base to smuggle thousands of illegal immigrants into the mainland dressed as Fred Gumby look-alikes from the old Monty Python classic comedy sketches, were true. He also wanted to know if the recent influx of Bulgarians that had arrived in Britain on fake visas were allowed in by David Blunkett as a means of importing voters so Labour would win the next election.

Mr Blair seemed startled by the question and said, “Wow man! How did you know that?” He then recovered his composure, nodded to a nearby marine and laughed like a maniac as the hapless reporter was forced to strip naked and masturbate before the presidents Spaniel.

During questions from a New York Times reporter Mr Blair claimed that MI 5 had “irrefutable proof” that Al-Qaida had links to the Mayor of the Isle of Man because searches of a top secret database had shown he was, “Once visited by a Pakistani man, who had an uncle, that had bought a sack of rice that had fallen from a lorry, driven by an Afghanistan resident, whose mum had known a dodgy bloke, who said he had a photograph of Osama Bin Ladin.”

Ms Alexia Snooty of the BBC asked Mr Blair if she could have a puff on his joint. This remark was totally misunderstood by Mr Blair who replied huskily, “Yeah baby. Cherie is busy looking after her suicidal 16-year-old daughter at home (Opps. There is supposed to be a news blackout on that. ED.), so she wont know you puffed my Clinton.”

"Mr Blair and George Bush then ended the news conference after promising to 'Nuke some Arabs very soon.' And staggered off together chasing a flushed Mrs Rice. Ms Snooty who mumbled, 'Why not?', closely followed them 'It might get me the Director Generals job.'” She added.