A SCHOOLGIRL at the centre of a custody battle is preparing to sue Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell for £10 million.

The 14-year-old schoolgirl has repeatedly run away from home because she cannot bear to live with her mother but longs to live with her father, Duncan.

"The writ against McConnell was lodged at Edinburgh Sheriff Court. It seeks the massive damages 'for the years of avoidable psychological distress due to his failure to prevent major abuses of Scottish law and failure to protect children which the defender has a duty to ensure but instead did nothing'." Reports Paula Murray for the Scottish paper, The Glasgow Daily Record.

After reading this report I decided to interview Ms Emily Hatemen of the para-military wing of "Women's Aid." to get her reaction to these events. Posing as a man thoroughly emasculated and terrified of females, I visited the Misandry Bunker at the Women’s Aid head quarters and, after passing through major security checks, which included a testosterone level blood test and an invasive scrotum examination, I was shown into the Fuehrer's sitting room.

As I sat among the hideous trophies that lined the walls (Men’s testicles nailed to heart shaped boards. Each with a small plaque giving the names of the men who had been emasculated. Included were all the men at the BBC and most Newspaper editors.). I noticed a sign above the fireplace which read, "Remember girls. Keep repeating that all men are paedophiles and rapists." Beneath that was another sign that said, "A false accusation is worth its weight in government grants." Framed photographs of famous victims of a recent hate men campaign were scattered around on tables everywhere. I noticed pictures of Mathew Kelly, John Leslie, Three Leicester City footballers and another of Craig Charles that someone had peppered with darts.

The sound of whale song blaring through hidden loud speakers announced the arrival of Ms Hatemen.

She entered the room and fixed me with a withering stare. Her bare arms carried a tattoo that said, "Comrade Lenin still rules." Her unshaven armpits sprouted a mass of hair looking for all the world as if she had a Rastafarian in a headlock. Her perfume, `Ode to Ulrika` hung heavy in the still air.

Ms Hatemen slapped her thigh high leather boots with a dildo shaped baton before sitting behind her desk that was covered in adoring letters from Jack Straw and Harriet Harmen.

I began by asking her for a reaction to the story that Jacqueline Shields, a 14-year-old schoolgirl was seeing the Scottish First Minister for "ignoring her civil rights to 'peace and stability which a custodial parent should be able to provide for a child'."

I was alarmed to see Ms Hatemen begin foaming at the mouth and trembling uncontrollably.

"This girl has slipped through our net!" She screamed.

She continued, "We have not been as successful in brainwashing der kinder (the kids) in Scotland as I would have wished. We are working hard with the Scottish Executive to get our message across to ALL school children that fathers are bad for them and all mothers are saints. However, some men on the executive (the filthy scum) object and until we have time to formulate false sexual abuse scandals against them which will drive them from office, we are forced to act like nice ladies and in the meantime, these children escape our programming. Then see what happens... This misguided child actually believes that her father is a good person! Its an outrage!"

After escaping from the unsavoury HQ of "Women’s Aid" I went to see Mr D. E. (name removed for security reasons) of the men’s group "Fathers4Justice." I told him of my interview with Ms Hatemen and was instantly awarded a certificate for bravery and made an honorary member for life of Fathers4Justice. I asked for his comments on the story of the brave fight by Jacqueline Shields.

Mr E took a deep breath and sighed. "This, He said, is the kind of thing fathers face all over the country. You have to ask yourself some fundamental questions when you hear things like this. Why, for example, does a man suddenly become an unsuitable father 24 hours after he splits up with a mother?"

Warming to his theme Mr E continued, "Look! He said, forcefully. Men are under attack in the UK. All over the western world in fact. There are huge, coordinated campaigns to shame all men going on everywhere."

I interrupted and told him he sounded like a conspiracy theorist.

"Wake up and look at the evidence!" He thundered. "Australia, New Zealand, America, Canada, Europe (including Scandinavia), all have anti male legislation. All of these countries are following the same pattern of denigrating males in the press and on TV and all of them have punitive anti father children’s acts. Is that all coincidence or is it a coordinated campaign? You tell me!"

I left the Fathers4Justice office and headed down to London to interview Margaret Hodge MP.

I spoke with Ms Hodge in her office in the Houses of Parliament. I began by asking her if there was a concerted effort to discredit men going on in the UK.

"You poor, misguided, foolish, suspiciously perverted and faintly silly little man." She said. "Of course there is no such campaign. Why would the government want to do such a thing?"

I pointed out that there are, for example, only three privately funded beds for males escaping abusive women in the whole country, but the government pays for over 2000 beds for women escaping abuse in over 400 refuges. I reminded her that the government and the police fund Women’s Aid to the tune of over £16 million each year and heterosexual men’s groups get nothing. I added that according to all the latest research, most child abuse is carried out by females, yet all of the government sponsored advertising campaigns show only men beating children. I also reminded her that when the government asked for children to inform about abusive parents they only asked for them to inform on their fathers and not their mothers. I then went on to explain the Fathers4Justice position. At that point Ms Hodge terminated the interview by sweetly, and very politely, kicking me in the testicles and calling security claiming I had attempted to rape her.

When I returned home at the end of the day I found all the locks had been changed and a note from my wife pinned to the front door, which informed that Ms Hodge had allegedly telephoned her to say that I was a danger to her, my wife and my children and that my wife should, "Screw the pervert for everything you can get including, his house, cars, money and kids."

As I walked down my garden path and away from the home and family I used to enjoy, a photographer from Women’s Aid leapt from a nearby bush and snapped a picture of me.

"Gotcha!" She shouted triumphantly, and jumped into a nearby car before speeding away leaving howls of demonic laughter hanging in the evening air.

My case comes up next week.