Following the recent spate of virus aimed at Windows and other Microsoft Products the following guidelines have been assembled to help protect home users from malicious attacks:

Computer Security Tips

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Hackers often look for your secure information such as your bank details and credit card numbers in hidden, password-protected folders. Instead of using elaborate data protection methods, call a potential hacker’s bluff by placing all your secret information in a folder called “BANK AND CREDIT CARD DETAILS” giving them easy access.

If you have a scary dog then photograph it and put it on your desktop to scare any potential hackers away. Remember, a hacker can tell if its your dog or not so photographing your neighbour’s bigger scarier dog won’t work. To add to the illusion replace all of your Windows incident noises with sound clips of your dog barking angrily – just in case the hacker thinks he can quickly sneak in and out.

If you own an expensive 3d graphics securely tape it to your motherboard. This will prevent people from illegally downloading it from the Internet and prevent nVidia or ATI from filing a lawsuit against you for peer-to-peer hardware sharing.

When choosing a room to keep your computer choose a room with only one entrance – this will prevent hackers from coming in through the back door.

If you rename your Windows Directory to “OSX” then a hacker will think you own an Apple computer and are therefore too boring to waste his efforts on.

Remember, Rats spread the Black Death throughout Europe in the Middle Ages – to lower the risk of virus infection make your computer room a rat free zone.

If your computer gets a virus and your vet refuses to look at it on the basis it is not an animal, force feed it to your cat and then claim your cat has the same symptoms.

Hackers always leave small traces of their skin at the bottom of the case of the computer they have just hacked. If you open your computer case and there are small layers of dust, sample it and take it to the Police for DNA testing.

People are terrified of ‘hackers coming down the phone line’ To prevent this from happening ensure you use phone cabling that is less than two feet thick.

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