I hate Scarlett Johansson

15th October 2011

Special Guest Editorial

Now, I'm a fairly easy going girl. I get on with just about everyone I meet and those that I don't get on with I don't have any hard feelings towards, you can't get on with everyone, right?

So when I say I hate Scarlett Johansson you need to know just how serious that is.

Let me tell you about my day. At 6am I wake up and I immediately hit the gym for 2 hours. After that I get breakfast, but it's no Coco-pops or even Special K for me... too many calories. At 9am I arrive at my place of work, a room in a warehouse in some dodgy industrial estate that has been dressed up to look like the penthouse apartment of some millionaire playboy.

At 9:10 I am totally naked sandwiched between two full aroused and overendowed guys screaming noises you would expect to hear from a banshee in the latest Hollywood blockbuster.

Yes ladies and gentle, I am a pornstar. I spend my working hours being probed in every orifice you could hide a roll of quarters in. I have had to endure degrading acts that the combined resources of the Internet's most depraved minds have dreamt up and have changed sexuality so many times I can't even remember which way I started.

So just imagine how I felt when I found out today that traffic to my website was down 90% because naked photos of Scarlett Johansson had been leaked on the Internet? Suddenly all of the sexually frustrated adolescents have stopped searching for “Cowgirl does Girl Cow” and are searching their Twitter feeds. All the working executives who usually use Google News to check how their stock is doing are now browsing the male gossip website forums hoping someone can provide them a link.

Excuse me? All this for two dodgy phone camera photographs that don't even show anything that begins with a V? Last night I was filmed from three different angles with the latest high definition digital video cameras under studio lights with a wide angle lens while two other girls found alternative uses for the list of ingredients used for the banquet at the Royal Wedding.

When that went live that didn't trend on Twitter. No one posted about seeing it on their Facebook wall. Scarlett Johansson shows her ass in the mirror – Twitter breaks. Scarlett Johansson shows a boob from a bad angle – seven of the guys I went to highschool with are posting how awesome it is on their Facebook wall. Hey guys after what I did last night, it's going to take me two weeks of brushing my teeth before my mouth tastes normal again – surely someone with that level of commitment warrants a Facebook link or two.

My body is so perfect it could have been God's original copy. Scarlett Johansson is like 30 or something, she's old enough to be my mom... wait, I mean she nearly is because I'M 18.... why would you want to look at her over me. But that's not even the worst part of it all:

She's stealing MY audience. It's my job to given guys a visual stimulus when their wife has a headache or their girlfriend is imaginary. It's my job to get their imaginations going on all the things their partner “wouldn't do in a million years” - it's my job to open their minds to things they didn't think a girl would even do for all the money in the history of the universe. So when she takes a couple of blurry cellphone pictures that might not even be her and the Internet implodes in the search to see them... well that's just plain rude.