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>> News > Science and Technology
Captain Kirk Fires Scotty for General Crappiness of his Communicator - February 6th 2005

In an unprescedented move, Captain James Kirk has fired his respected Chief Engineer 'Scotty' for making, what he called, “a backwards and technologically inferior device.” The device in question that Kirk was referring to was the flip open communicator that he and away team members use to contact the ship, and each other.

“To be honest, I've always doubted the true talents of Mr Scott,” Kirk admitted in an exclusive interview, “I mean, you'd ask him to do a simple 15 minute task in an hour, and he'd insist it would take 3, and would then look kind of smug when he had it done in half an hour. To be honest, it was getting to the point where I was considering changing my own light bulbs.”

Kirk went on to explain that despite his Chief Engineer's ability to accurately estimate repair times he did not consider that to be a sackable offence, however when he asked his Engineer to create a communication device that was when things changed:

“He created this device, the size of a large match box with a flip open lid. You were able to open them up and speak to people with them. But that was it. Now, don't get me wrong, it did what I asked, but it was hardly 23rd century engineering.

Scotty
Captain Kirk was exceedingly dispointed with the lack of a colour display on his communicator as he had been dying to play Doom 7650 on it.

“Back at the turn of the 21st century they had cellphones the size of small match boxes with colour screens, video communication, bluetooth, the internet. Some could play movies, some could play 3d video games. This was nearly 300 years ago. Those people are living in mud huts compared to us – I mean, the idea of losing your virginity in zero gravity wasn't even a consideration in those days. And to be frank, that just shows how backwards those people were.”

It has been reported that Chief Engineer Scott is not too concerned with his captain's decision to fire him:

“He'll soon be crawling back,” The Scotsman declared, “Just as soon as the tape drive packs up on the main computer, he'll be knocking on my door pleading with me to dust the heads.”

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