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>> News > United States
President Bush Pardons Self for War Crimes, Torture, Parking Ticket - September 30th 2006

The President of the United States, George W. Bush has taken steps to pardon himself in advance for any charges of war crimes that may arise in the future following his conduct in response to the September 11th attacks.

"Given the unusual conditions of September 11th, the President was placed under an unusual burden of pressure," spokesperson Keith Wilson justified, "Therefore, I think it is reasonable to accept that he never knowingly parked his car illegally and he should not be expected to answer for the $25 parking fine issued."

On the subject of war crimes and torture, Wilson was equally adamant that the President should not receive any punishment:

"Look, 9/11 kind of made President Bush a celebrity," he explained, "Suddenly his popularity rating went through the roof... he was getting so many phone calls for PR stuff and shit like that. It's perfectly reasonable that he didn't read a few memos thoroughly, inadvertently set up torture camps in Cuba, Al Ghraib, Europe. We've all had busy days at the office, well Bush had a few months worth in one big go - why else do you think he needed so much holiday?"

Many have left in complete disbelief at Bush's attempt to pardon himself, some going as far as recalling at least Nixon asked Gerald Ford to do that for him. Again, Keith Wilson condemned these comments:

"This is another example of the crazy liberal press blowing things out of all proportion. Gerald Ford is all too happy to pardon Bush and Bush is all to happy to have him do it.. but Ford can't pardon Bush, he's not President so it would be against the law. And the last thing Bush wants to do is to go against that."

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