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>> News > Internet
Apple Begins Global "War on Erections" Campaign - February 24th 2010

Apple revealed today that is has begun phase 2 of its Anti-Erection campaign by revealing that it has removed thousands of Apps for the iPhone that it has deemed to contain 'Adult Content' The move has caused outrage across the developing community who see it as a further extension of Apple's overly tight controls of the content released on the App store.

Apple explained they had had customer complaints about the content of some of the Apps on the store, and had responded to them by having the Apps removed. However, many developers were not impressed:

“These applications were approved by Apple, and met their strict criteria,” one developer explained, “Me, and other developers have been working hard to push the boundaries of the technology. With its camera, its accelerometer, its touch screen – the possibilities are endless. Did you see the Wobble application? The one that makes a girl's boobs wobble when you shake the iPhone? Until those developers came along developed it there was no mobile phone on the planet that could do that.

“I know some people will say it is juvenile... but that is no reason to ban it. I mean, they have kept all the fart applications. There is iFart, Pull my Finger, Fart in a box, The Fartinator, FartBook. Severl developers have even made a Fart piano – every key plays a different Fart. By 2012 it is predicted you will be able to conduct an entire Fart orchestra... all on the iPhone.

“Now if Steve Jobs had announced that the iPad came with that straight out of the box, he might not have got such an underwhelming response.”

Market analysts believe that the move is a bad idea as it will it push away users to rival handsets:

“It is simple economics,” Technology blogger Chuck Hankman explained, “The fact there are so many fart applications, boob wobbling applications, baby shaking applications is because people have been buying them. If Apple suddenly starts blocking them because it does not fit with their brand image, well the millions of people who bought the iPhone for pocket sized, touch screen porn will just go elsewhere. The Google Nexus One is an open platform which a much higher resolution screen and boy does it render a pair of tits well.”

Other market analysts are predicting a shift by other manufacturers to expand their 'adult' software library. Mobile phone developer Keith Wilson got very excited about the possibilities:

“To be honest, I am not surprised the iPhone has dropped the adult software,” He explained, “But not for 'moral' reasons... their hardware can't support the latest developments in mobile phone adult software technology, it is an outdated platform. Take the Palm Pre for example, here is an application I wrote this afternoon – on one screen, a woman shaking her boobs up and down, beautifully rendered, all with 3d physics and collision detection built in. You think that is impressive, if I move to a different slide – she is shaking her butt! Did you see that... two things at once, breast bouncing and butt shaking – MULTI TASKING... the iPhone couldn't do that even if you kidnapped Steve Jobs and threatened to return him a piece at time.

“And then there is the Garmin A50. Another beautiful handset. But with the most advanced GPS hardware on any phone. The result? I am creating a program that your girlfriend can program in a 3d topographical, millimetre accurate model of her body and you can use the phone to ensure you never get, ahem, 'lost'. Not only would the iPhone hardware not be that advanced... but no iPhone user would know what to do with it anyway – when is an Apple fan going to interact with real breasts?”

Cheryl Cole Legoified
Due to Apple's stringent guidelines on 'adult' content, people cannot be depicted as being any more sexualized than a lego figure. It is expected the next iPhone will make images of popular sex icons, such as Cheryl Cole, look like this.

Apple has dismissed the criticism explaining that supporting adult applications is due to many other reasons:

“To suggest that we are doing this simply because of moral reasons is absurd. We have been looking at our user base and since the introduction of this adult applications the level of usage amongst male iPhone users has dropped immediately after loading up these applications. It is obvious what is going on and it is not something Apple can continue to support.

“This is interfering with our business model. At the end of the day, the only thing that Apple users should be stroking, caressing and worshipping is their iPhone.”

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