The British Train Operator, Virgin Rail, has revealed radical new plans to send all of its trains to its destinations via road instead of a rail. The plans came as the natural evolution of Virgin Rail’s decision to transport its passengers’ luggage separately via a contracted road haulage firm.

Virgin Rail decided to start transporting its customers’ luggage via road after it claimed that its passengers were bringing larger bags on board with them, meaning the space provided by the train operator was not adequate for dealing with the volume of luggage brought on board.

“The days of when people nipped on a train with just a bucket and spade to go the sea side are gone,” a spokesperson for Sir Richard Branson commented, “It seems today people want to bring suitcases and briefcases and picnic hampers with them. The overhead luggage compartments just can’t cope so we have been forced into sending the luggage to the destination via road.

“In fact, it’s worked to our advantage – by stopping passengers from putting luggage in the luggage compartments we now have extra space to fit in extra passengers.”

People have criticised the move pointing out that it will take haulage lorries travelling at 50mph via an indirect route much longer to reach their destinations than a Virgin Train travelling at 100mph via a direct route.

“You’d think,” the spokesperson explained, “However remember we are Virgin Trains. To be honest, the haulage firms will probably arrive before our trains even depart which is why we made the decision to send our trains via road as well. If they can get our luggage to their destinations on time then why wouldn’t they work for trains?”