Cellular Phones “Appear to be Safe” According to British Scientists

14th January 2004

British Scientists have declared that after initial investigations into the dangers of mobile phones that the devices appear to be safe. The scientists have carried out extensive tests over a variety of different issues of safety concerns and their preliminary results indicate the devices pose no risk at all.

“We started out testing the effects of radiation.” Keith Wilson, the leading scientist of the research group explained, “We bombarded the phone with the equivalent intensity of radiation that 50 nuclear bombs would unleash. However, the phone did not mutate into a 50ft tall man eating super phone. It did not even mutate into an ant eating mini-phone. It just melted.”

After discovering that radiation caused no dangers as far as mobile phone safety was concerned the scientists decided that they should investigate other possible ways that a mobile phone could endanger people’s lives.

They decided to see the effect of dropping a mobile phone out of a window on to a pedestrian’s head. They compared the effects of a mobile phone against a brick – the United Kingdom standard dangerous plummeting object. The scientists found that whilst a brick hit from 3 stories high always killed the pedestrian on impact, it took at least 12 stories until a mobile phone became dangerous.

Some people argued that despite requiring such a great height to be fatal, the phone could still be used as a murder weapon. However scientists believed this was not likely as police could just ring up the device and see who answered to find the culprit.

As a final test, scientists tested the penetrative ability of various cell phones in case people attempted to use it as a crude form of dagger. However, only the phones with antennas proved to cause any form of pain, and as all the phones with antennas are now in museums it was concluded highly improbable a cell phone would ever be used in a stabbing incident.

Whilst the final report is not expected for a few months, it is likely that the scientists will conclude there are no dangers to children using mobile phones, predicting an complete evolution of the English language to Txt-Speak within 3 generations and an end to the freedom of cutting yourself off to the outside world occasionally.