Kerry Demands Handicap To Help Fight Fair Election

5th March 2004

The Democratic candidate, John Kerry, has demanded he be granted a handicap in preparation of the upcoming 2004 election. The Senator does not believe that under the current circumstances he is able to take Bush on fairly, and thus in the interests of democracy a handicap would allow him to fight on level ground and thus give Bush a good kicking.

Mr Kerry has many concerns about the current arrangement, particularly on the money front. George W. Bush has only just started to dip into his $100million election campaign fund, where as John Kerry’s financial adviser blew the majority of the Democratic election campaign fund on a Big Mac when they stopped off in North Dakota.

Whilst Mr Kerry’s adviser assured the Party his Big Mac was “very tasty” it did mean that John Kerry and the rest of his campaign team had to pose as stranded European exchange students and hitch hike across the campaign trail.

John Kerry also believes that President Bush used unfair tactics when he named Howard Dean as his biggest threat to the White House – even though this may not have actually happened. If it did happen, however, John Kerry believes it probably caused many Democratic sponsors to donate all their money to the penultimate runner up in the race to be democratic candidate.

George Bush was quick to respond to Kerry’s request for a handicap explaining that the Republicans had just lost the votes of any homosexual people but not only opposing gay marriages, but seeking a constitutional amendment to ban them. However, John Kerry was quick to dismiss Bush’s claims:

“Sure, Bush may have lost the gay vote, but we haven’t exactly won it have we. I mean, at least he has a position on it – we’ve got nothing. We can’t duplicate Bush’s policy and we certainly can’t approve gay marriages. No one would ever vote for that policy.”

Ralph Nader, standing as an independent was asked as to whether or not he wanted a handicap. Mr Nader explained that if he had a handicap, he might be in danger of not fulfilling his plans of losing the 2004 election.