|Apple To Sue Chris Martin And Gwyneth Paltrow Over Choice Of Baby’s Name - May 15th 2004
Apple Computers have announced their intention to sue Coldplay singer Chris Martin and Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow over their decision to name their newborn baby Apple. The company has claimed by naming the child Apple that people will mistakenly believe the child is endorsed by Apple. Apple have explained they were never consulted at any stage during the pregnancy or even at the point of conception.
“If Miss Paltrow had explained her wish to name her child after our corporation then we have got actively involved in helping her develop it,” Chuck Hankman, a spokesperson for Apple explained, “However by developing it herself she has more than likely ended up with an unstable product that goes against Apple’s core values.
“For a start she has chosen to develop her baby in co-operation with Chris Martin a member of a rockband which is an inherently unstable profession. Secondly, it is more than likely that the baby was developed using the archaic system of sexual intercourse. This is largely a hit and miss affair, something we at Apple would never condone.”
Mr Hankman explained that Apple developers do not believe in sexual intercourse and prefer to reproduce using a system coded in-house that carefully analyses the properties of each sperm in a sample and selects the one that will result in the most highly developed offspring.
“Whilst Windows users probably get some cheap satisfaction out of using the traditional method of reproduction Apple users are constantly aware at the technical superiority of our method. Our software never gets a headache and doesn’t require viagra.”
After hearing Apple’s allegations Microsoft defended its position claiming their system was cheaper and, unlike Apple’s method, was something that most people could get to grips with. They were also quick to offer Gwyneth Paltrow better protection against penetration from the Martin.C worm in future.
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