BBC to Screen Edition of Horizon Proving Mary was not a Virgin

9th January 2005

Following the screening of the controversial stage show ‘Jerry Springer – The Opera’ the BBC is set to further antagonise the Christian faith by screening an edition of their investigative show Horizon, claiming they have proof that the Virgin Mary did not deserve one half of her name.

“It’s the ‘Virgin’ half, obviously” Horizon researcher Keith Wilson told us, “I mean, there is documentation proving her name was Mary so we are hardly going to deny that part is true. I mean, we’re not setting out to deliberately upset Christians.”

According to Mr Wilson, they have long been in the possession of a diary of one of Mary’s neighbours, an educated man who was suspicious of her activities and decided to record them so, if needed, he could one day confront her with an accurate version of events.

The diaries clearly detailed a man dressed only in clothes as white as milk – whom, as a result, the author subsequently referred to as ‘the milkman’ – coming to visit Jesus’s mother on several occasions between 11 and 8 months prior to his birth.

The author was particularly wary, not only because she was having sex outside of marriage, but also because of her blasphemes remarks during the process:

‘As she reached orgasm, all I could hear through the thin wooden walls was Mary shouting ‘Oh God, God, GOD!’ he noted on several occasions.

However, despite possessing written material, the Horizon team insisted they needed more evidence before pressing ahead with their expose on the identity of Jesus’s father.

“We’re talking about undermining the world’s biggest religion here,” Keith Wilson explained, “It’s not so much of a problem when you have to undermine one of those stupid little cult ones like ‘Blisstonia’ – all you need to do is ask ‘so where’s the intergalactic spaceship’ and their faith falls apart. No, we needed hard evidence.

“Surprisingly, we didn’t have to look far…”

Mr Wilson explained the evidence turned up in the ITV’s archived material, on an early Trisha episode.

“We all know Trisha is as old as the hills.” Keith Wilson laughed, “But who had any idea she was making material as early as 1BC.”

According to Mr Wilson, on the show Joseph confronts Mary about the affair, but the couple resolve their differences and agreed to pretend the whole thing didn’t happen.

The show airs Thursday 13th January at 2100GMT.