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>> News > Entertainment
Availability of Brad Pitt Hits Share Prices of Jack Rabbit - January 9th 2005

The makers of the popular female sex toy – Rampant Rabbit – have seen their share prices plummet following the announcement that Brad Pitt is to separate from his wife, Jennifer Anniston. The sudden fall in share prices comes as shock to the manufacturer, who has recently seen sales increase by over a million a year.

The device, currently untested by Random Perspective due to a lack of female staff, is reportedly very good – from information gleaned from the female magazines read by the editor in the waiting room at the dentist.

Given the fact that projected number of rampant rabbit owners is significantly greater than the number single women that most users of the device use it to make up for the substandard sexual prowess of the average man.

However, given his good looks and millions of dollars it is widely accepted that it would be ludicrous if Brad Pitt was inadequate in the bedroom department and as a result most potential rampant rabbit owners have decided to put their investment on hold until the actor becomes ‘taken’ again.

The news has also seen a surge in the number of Rampant Rabbits available to buy on eBay. One advert read: “Rampant Rabbit for sale. One careful owner. Only 75 hours use since new. Will sterilise if requested.”

According to the seller, the highest bidder on the item, De5perate_D4n, has specifically requested the item not be sterilised.

As a result of the massive boom in the second hand market, the manufacturers of the sex toy are not too concerned with the sudden drop in share price.

“It won’t be long before some other Hollywood Babe snaps up Brad Pitt.” Rampant Rabbit Marketing Director Chuck Hankman explained, “And then our sales figures will pick up again. I don’t foresee this problem arising again”

The trouble, Mr Hankman told us, lay in the fact that the boost in sales was down to the hit show ‘Sex in the City.’

“Most women watching the show empathised with the lead character Carrie – and lets face it she wasn’t the hottest catch available.” He explained, “As a result, women everywhere felt that what was attainable for Carrie was attainable for them.

“That was all well and good. But the trouble is, that Carrie is sort of like an uglier version of Jennifer Anniston… but Jennifer isn’t as hot as she used to be. As a result most women probably think that means they could get Brad based on that tenuous logic. But what they don’t realise is that Brad probably split with her because she was getting so damn ugly. Don’t get me wrong – I’d still bang her, I’d bang anything – but I’m not Brad Pitt, and that’s probably why.”

Hierarchy of Female Desires
This diagram explains the rise and fall of the popularity of the sex toy, the Jack Rabbit.

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The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

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