Demand for Young Working People Grows as UK Life Expectancy Hits Record High - November 21st 2006
The average life expectancy in the UK has reached a record high today, with most adults expected to reach at least 77 years. The news is not surprising – across the developing world the average life expectancy has been soaring, and analysts predict it will not be long before the economy begins to take a hit.
“At first people may think that an extra few years of living is a good thing,” economic analyst Keith Wilson commented, “But you have to remember a few things – firstly if people live to be 77, that means they have lived 12 years in retirement. If you add to that the 18 years at the start of their life that is 30 years of their life they have spend sponging. And this is all before we factor in the 18-25 7 year period of drunkenness where they not only fail to contribute, but are undermining someone who is a benefit to the economy by throwing up everywhere or breaking the photocopier when they go to photocopy their backside.
“When you do the maths people are causing 44 years of counter productivity to the 40 years of being beneficial. And that's without counting holidays, long term sickness and the other crappy excuses people give for not going to work.
“Secondly,” Mr Wilson continued, “Those extra few years aren't made available to you when you are 25 – they are made available to you when you are 75, and lets be honest, who really wants another two years like that. Granted, I can't speak from experience given that I am only 34 – but I've seen old people and it really looks like life sucks for them, with arthritis and bingo and all that. To be honest, the only people who look like they'll benefit from this deal are grandchildren who will get an extra couple of years of Werthers Originals and weekly dividends from the granddad bank.”
Keith Wilson explained that to counter the problems he had highlighted with an ageing society the country needed a large influx of young workers in the 18-35 year old age who could come the UK, help contribute by paying taxes and filling all the low paid income jobs that most English people saw as undesirable and then leaving a few years later. 'A bit like the Eastern Europeans immigrants do' he stated 'but preferably not foreign.'
Wilson said he had tried to put forward a proposal to draft a law that deemed a rise in average life expectancy as illegal – however it turned out that such a law was deemed a violation of basic human rights.
“Human Rights!” Wilson exclaimed, “I'll give them human rights. Did you know that whilst the average life expectancy of a man in the UK is 77 years old, the average life expectancy of a woman is over 81 years. That's sexual discrimination – that's typical of this government, they'll turn down a law that would be a true benefit to society on a stupid technicality, but they won't go ahead and sue Death for something blatant. But that's not surprising – I mean whoever could imagine Blair doing favours for one of his top buddies?”
Keith Wilson was not the only one to find a problem with an ageing UK population – American economic analyst Chuck Hankman expressed his concerns:
“The trouble is, the UK is not addressing its key health concerns. Fine, they've managed to make it so they live a bit longer – but have they done anything about Britain's dental hygiene. Man, we all know what British teeth are like after 18 years of not flossing, not waxing, not polishing, not rinsing, not blowdrying and only brushing on every other Easter Sunday – but can you imagine what is it like after 77 years? One thing's for certain, if in the future an 81 year old Keira Knightley finally does a Playboy photoshoot I sure as hell hope they don't ask her to smile.”
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