America Forced Into Witness Protection Program Following Wikileaks Scandal

29th December 2010

The United States of America has been forced to assume a new identity and relocate following the leaking of highly sensitive documentation to the world's press that potentially endanger the safety of the nation. While the details of the move have been kept highly secretive the public first came aware of the relocation when Canada awoke late Sunday evening to notice it had a new coastline.

"I tell you what, I was shocked," Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper told journalists, "I mean, while they aren't the worst neighbours in the world, they are hardly a quiet bunch, so they fact they managed to sneak out without waking us up is unbelievable.

"At least it means we won't have to put up with the half empty KFC buckets attracting rats. We won't have to return their lawn mower either; what's the rule before you can keep something? Six weeks, or six months? Hell, they ain't getting that back."

The new location of America, and its new identity have not been made publically available, however the relocation of America has required new maps to be printed.

The Wikileaks scandal has dominated most news organisations with the Guardian Newspaper taking the lead. Most of the leaks surround communiques sent between American diplomats, revealing how senior Americans discuss other world leaders behind closed doors.

Internet expert, Keith Wilson, explained the impact this would have:

"Like most Internet Experts, I have not actually seen any of the source material, however you can be sure that it is all going to be highly inflammatory. Particularly the ones about America's allies – I mean, it's like having your Aunty Agnes over for dinner. When she's over, you make her tea just like she likes it, you put up the TV volume so it deafens you so she can hear it, and you never comment on her casual racism. But once she's out the door you turn to the wife and go 'She's out the door, quick, open the windows, I am choking to death on that lingering B.O.'

"Of course, I doubt that the TV noise or B.O. are things being discussed in these documents. I suspect they say things like 'British Prime Minister David Cameron? He's a bit crap.' or 'Silvia Berlusconi? What a perverted old man.' you know, real political dynamite that is going to rock the foundations of the world order."

While it appears that most of the information being revealed matches up to popular opinion, the fact that is has been made public is deeply humiliating for the United States. While the release of information on one or two nations might have been easier for American diplomats to smooth over, the sheer enormity of data released this time has meant that America found itself cornered.

A headline from a major French newspaper read: "America Becomes World's Most Hated Nation. Takes Title From Itself."

France, along with other European allies of America were angry to find that the nation had been relocated as they demanded answers for some of the provocative statements found in the documents. However, they did not seem too concerned that it had been placed under the protection of the top secret Witness Protection Program.

"Top Secret American Government Department?" French President, Nicholas Sarkozy shrugged, "Wikileaks will have it by Friday."