Gay Tanks Support Repealing of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Law

2nd February 2010

Admiral Mike Mullen's announcement today that openly gay people should be allowed to serve in the US military has been warmly welcomed by LGBT groups across America who have claimed it has been a long time coming. Admiral Mullen, America's highest ranking uniformed officer, told the US Senate that 'it is the right thing to do.'

The move, expected to increase the potential number of military recruits by up to 5% as well as make life less socially stressful for homosexuals already serving, has also been welcomed by America's vast number of gay military hardware. Brucie, a gay M1 Abrams Tank from Minnesota, told our reporter he had never been happy.

“Oh it is just so fabulous,” he said, waving his turret around flamboyantly, “I was on my blog looking for a new theme, my old one is so 2009, when suddenly my Twitter account starts going crazy. I am thinking – there must be new sale at Rainbow Depot on tank tracks or something. But no, I click the link and see the adorable Mike Mullen saying all those wonderful things.”

Brucie is not alone. It is estimated that nearly 15% of America's military hardware is gay or bi-curious and the stress of being forced to hide this secret has compromised their effectiveness on the battlefield. Only last week, two Tomahawk cruise missiles committed suicide because they were unable to go public with their relationship. Military general Chuck Hankman described it as a 'tragedy', and an 'unnecessary event' – saying it was a shame that they would be unable to complete their last mission, scheduled for next week, to destroy two Taliban bases in Afghanistan.

2008 Presidential Candidate, Senator John McCain has criticised the decision claiming that he is 'deeply disappointed'

“As a former POW I can tell you that getting intimate with your fellow soldier is a something that only the bravest American soldiers get to experience,” he declared, “But this legislations will enable men to get intimate outside of the torture camps... for fun.

“The existing law may be imperfect, but it was effective. I don't need to explain why I would want to retain an imperfect law or explain what it was effective at doing. But one of those things was keeping the open gays out of the military.”

Not all military hardware support the lifting of the ban. Butch, a M1 Abrams tank from California, has stated he does not believe that homosexuals should be allowed to serve in the military full stop:

“It is just not natural,” he shouted, riding back and forth across the parking lot, “Imagine that me and some fag tank are going into a danger zone, he's behind me, eyeing up the size of my cannon and gets all excited... blows his load. Now it's all well and good that happening with army personnel, but if a 130,000 pound tank blows his load up my ass there ain't going to be any of me left.”