Shooting Innocent People in America now best way to become super famous

6th January 2013

Move over X-Factor and America's Got Talent, if you want to become super famous there's a new pretender in town. Just as X Factor usurped American Idol and Big Brother it seems history has repeated itself and there is now an even better way to make yourself a global superstar: shoot many innocent people dead in a mass killing spree.

"It was inevitable something new would come along," publicist Keith Wilson told us, "These shows have such a short half-life. Everyone remembers the winner of the first season, like whoever was the first winner of American Idol, but as the shows go on the winners all merge in to one and your slice of the fame pie gets reduced.

"It's also a bit of a lottery. For a start you have to go through hours of auditions and hope you are either exceptionally good or exceptionally bad in order to just to get your face on TV and then you have to survive several rounds of public votes, which seldom correlate with your level of talent but rather whether the editors of the gossip magazines like your smile.

"That's not the case with a mass shooting spree," he explained, "So long as you manage to kill more than 5 people you're guaranteed to make the international headlines. Kill more than 10 and you'll get your face plastered over the media for over a week."

Media expert Dennis Bock concurred, although he offered some important advice:

"While it is fairly easy thing to pull off, some people do make some embarrassing mistakes. For example, one person tried doing it in Kabul. He killed 25 people but it didn't even make Twitter. Another guy went nuts and tried shooting up a marketplace in Baghdad. His killing spree was successful but no one reported it because he got the location wrong. He just ended up looking like an amateur.

"Location is important. As a rough guide, I would say choose a country that Apple selects to receive a new iPhone on the first day of launch, but if that's too complicated to understand, any major city in America is always a good choice."

The news has sent shockwaves around wannabe celebrities; 23 year old hair dresser, Chuck Hankman, from California had this to say:

"I've been trying for years to get on reality TV. I've tried American Idol, America's got Talent, America's Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, Big Brother, Top Chef, Britain's got Talent, Toddlers and Tiaras, The Voice, The Bachelor, Project Runway you name it, I tried it. If I had just known all I needed to become super famous was a gun and a load of bullets I would have done it years ago.

"What surprises me is that we usually import these shows from England, like American Idol, X Factor and America's got Talent, but they don't have guns in England so we must have come up with this one by ourselves."

When asked if he was worried that committing an act of mass murder would cause him to be vilified by the entire world he told us:

"Not really. Most people hate the people on these TV shows, even the popular ones have more people who hate them than people who like them. So long as I'm famous I don't care. At the moment my life's shit."

Unlike any of his victims, James Eagen Holmes, who shot dead 12 people and injured 58 at Aurora Colorado in 2012 has a 1,800 word entry on Wikipedia.

When we posed these views to publicist Keith Wilson he explained he was not surprised:

"The people who go on reality TV shows typically have low self-esteem and little to live for. We then parade them on TV and Internet for our entertainment. They have to go through weeks of being humiliated in front of the entire world before they see any pay off.

"In contrast, if you shoot dead a bunch of innocent people you instantly get your face plastered on every news channel, news website and newspaper across the globe. They write about your life story; day by day your entire history is published for the entire world to see. You become the most famous person on the planet for an entire week, more famous than any winner of X-Factor.

"You're immediately compared to previous shooters, how your kill rate compares, how your weapon selection compares, how many police it took to bring you down. Video footage of many ambulances a police cars rushing to the scene of your killing demonstrates how dramatic it was.

"News editors know you are a person who deserves to receive this level of fame and attention.

"For someone who is mentally ill, believes they are outcast by society and craves attention there is no better way to achieve immortality. And because of the way it is covered, they will be more famous and remembered for longer than all of their victims combined as they are just the statistics."

With guns controlled in many countries, and with some Americans without access to guns, we asked Keith Wilson if he had any advice for them:

"If you don't have access to guns, it's not the end of the world. Child abuse is another way to get yourself in the headlines in a similar fashion. Although make sure it's a big one."