Android or iPhone? Cellphone wars replace political wars as most divisive social issue

8th January 2013

Keith Wilson recently started work at his new job as a middle manager at a management consultation firm, after giving the best interview of his life and having been recommended to the job by a respected peer it seemed that he'd finally got the break his career had needed. Best of all, he got on really well with his new boss Chuck Hankman:

"It was great," he admitted to us, "I mean, it was like we'd been best friends our entire lives: we played golf together, I let him win; we both liked and hated the TV shows; we both liked to make staff that worked under us worry they could get fired at any second... It was like we were soul mates."

All that changed when Keith renewed his cellphone plan.

"I came into the office brandishing my new iPhone 5," Keith recalled, "I was really excited because I could now play widescreen videos without the black bars top and bottom and the screen was half an inch bigger. I knew people would be really excited that someone they knew owned an iPhone 5 so I went around showing everyone; but of course, the person I really wanted to share my excitement was Chuck."

Having teased several of his staff how they would be lucky to afford an iPhone 4, which didnt even have Siri, Keith met up with Chuck for their morning coffee break to torment Starbucks employees:

"I sat down, we'd both placed orders with so many additional shots and changes to the standard recipe they were bound to screw it up so we would get it for free and I looked at Chuck and said guess what..."

"Before he could answer I placed my iPhone 5 on the table. Chuck looked back at me and said 'Oh, you are one of them are you?' And pulled out a Galaxy Note II out of his pocket. Of course, he didnt place it on the table because there is no table big enough to fit a Galaxy Note II those things are so freaking huge. He then stood up and left, on the way out telling the staff it was me who kept stealing extra napkins than my fair entitlement."

Keith Wilson said after this encounter his life at work totally changed:

"Suddenly I was the one being held accountable for all the mistakes; it used to be the case that me and Chuck would gang up on Dennis because he voted for Obama and me and Chuck voted for Romney. Anything that went wrong was Dennis's fault; but now Chuck gangs up with Dennis on me. That's because Dennis owns a HTC One X so they are 'Android buddies'"

After speaking with Keith we decided to speak with Keith's idiot boss Chuck Hankman. After sending him many emails in which he declined to be interviewed we eventually managed to arrange an interview with him by posing as members of Samsung's "Phone Repair Squad" a legitimate cover given how unreliable Samsung phones are:

"I'm sorry I'm late but the stupid cheap Siri knock off on my stupid Samsung phone told me this meeting was in an hour's time." Chuck didn't say, "I would have called but it never gets good reception and I couldn't send you an email because the autocorrect is so shit."

We explained that Keith's experiences, to which Chuck explained his version of events:

"Yeah, Keith and I got on well to begin with," he said in a stupid Samsung fanboy voice, "But I didn't really know him that well to begin with. I mean, yeah, I knew we both supported the same sports teams, liked the same beer, both believed in the same God, own guns and hate abortion, but it wasn't until I found out he liked iPhones over Androids that I found out how different we are."

Having admitted his preference for inferior products Chuck continued:

"Meanwhile Dennis owns a HTC One X, which while isn't a Samsung, the best type of Android, at least it's not an iPhone. Dennis might vote for Obama, may repeatedly have abortions, think the world started with a Big Bang, and believe in Climate Change even though science has proven Hurricanes are started by liberal bias but at least he is right on the important issue: Which mobile phone operating system is best."

Sent from my iPad