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>> News > Internet
More Men Masturbate Using Junk Emails Than Porn Sites - June 26th 2003

Following an intensive survey, it has been revealed that more Internet Users masturbate to junk emails than the actual porn website that sent the email in the first place. More worryingly though, most of those surveyed claimed to masturbate to “The Hole in the Wall Through To the Girl’s Changing Room At School” prompting alarm at a potential underestimation at the number of paedophiles loose in the country.

The researchers released this document to show their findings:

Masturbation Research
The official document released detailing the breakdown of visual sources for masturbation

However, since the publication of the data, several inconsistencies have been noted.

Critics were quick to point out that neither car insurance emails, nor MSN.com were typical sources people would use.

The people who conducted the poll explained that the car insurance adverts were ones that featured a rather cute girl, according a couple of researchers responsible for conducting the poll.

As for MSN.com featuring on the list, one researcher explained it was nothing but “a tedious pile of w**k.”

After this it was pointed out to the researchers that their data only totalled 96% at which point the researchers claimed to be experiencing a lighting storm, and their MSN connection went dead.

In their report released via email, the researchers concluded that the EU must be ‘total f**king nuts as they have they’re heads so far up their a**e’s they must be blind if they can’t see that James, Damien, Billy and Johny not to mention others love w**king off to Junk emails as it’s a good way of getting porn without your mum or girlfriend telling you off.”

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The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

IMPORTANT: If you do not appreciate or understand this article please consult your doctor as your right ventromedial prefrontal cortex is impaired.
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