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>> News > Internet
Microsoft to Send Patches Via E-Mail - September 5th 2003

Microsoft has announced plans to send out critical patches for its operating systems and software via bulk e-mail it was revealed today. It is believed that within 48 hours it will have successfully repaired or protected over 95% PCs worldwide.

However, instead of sending the patches out under the obvious subjects such as “Windows Patch #4538b – Critical Update” Microsoft intends to use subject headers such as “Enlarge your Penis in 24 hours” or “Britney Spears Naked!”

“We thought about during our meeting and figured that if the idiots are stupid enough to download viruses this way then they’d be just a gullible when it came to dishing out the patches. This guys are more concerned about visiting pornography sites in Internet Explorer than ever bothering with Windows Update so we figured this would be one sure way of getting them to install the patches.”

However, the problem of getting people to visit Windows Update is also set to be solved. Instead of presenting the user with a bland, blue screen Microsoft intends to allow users to download skins for the updating system.

“We came up with the idea of undressing Britney every time the user updates their machine. For every patch they download, another item of clothing comes off.

“Unfortunately, we’ve had to dress her up in full artic gear – otherwise, at the rate we release patches she’d have gone all the way by lunch.”

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