David Beckham has announced to the world’s media that the car sex that he enjoyed with his wife Victoria Beckham was not as spectacular as the Sunday Tabloid, The News of the World, made it out to be:

“It didn’t start out well. Victoria undid my trousers and found what she thought was a microphone. She was about to give me a rendition of her latest single to which I reacted: ‘No no no!! It’s not a microphone. It’s my penis. Honest!!”

“To be honest I get better most nights whilst watching the Match of the Day Highlights. I mean, we barely made it to third base. I don’t know what the reporter was going on about ‘a night to remember.’ I’ll remember the meal I had for sure. But the sex? To be honest I was only reminded about it when I picked up the paper.”

The chauffeur, who was also mentioned in the article as being embarrassed also commented:

“The paper said I was embarrassed with what was going on in the back. Actually I didn’t notice. The only reason I was blushing was because I had just grinded 3rd gear and clipped the wing mirror of Jeremy Clarkson’s Mercedes. Thank God the latest series of Top Gear has finished or my career would be over.”

The News of the World continued to report that the couple ‘were at it on the back seat like teenagers’ as their photographer watched and took photographs like an even sadder teenager.