Microsoft Personality

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The year is 2002, and as the shock of Microsoft’s latest Operating System, Windows XP, has started to dissipate we exclusively bring you news of another.

“We wanted to bring the user something that no manufacturer in the world had managed to produce to date,” a secret informer revealed, “We wanted to produce an Operating System that was 100% reliable as well as being user friendly.”

Given Microsoft’s reputation, particularly amongst Anti-MS extremists, this proposal undoubtedly seemed overambitious, however he went on to tell us:

“We succeeded. We produced a copy of Windows that has been running for two hundred and sixty seven days without evening pausing for an unacceptable length of time. It has detected and recognised every piece of hardware we have connected to it and has even been able to construct basic custom drivers for components not in its data library.

“However, despite the 100% reliability issue, there were still major issues with the OS. We found that once users became familiar with it they suddenly became irritable for no good reason. It made no sense; every single Beta test report recorded no error at all. The only complaints received related to the poor number of screensavers and desktop themes provided in the basic package.”

To the smaller company, this would have undoubtedly have caused a major set back. Having spent so much time and used so many resources on the project, there would not be the funds, will power, and some may say arrogance, others determination, to continue. However, with a budget of billions, it did not take long for an investigation to find funding.

“We got in all the leading psychologists, technical support advisors, computer installation technicians – you name it, they came. They too were baffled; they too were irritated with the new OS. We became disheartened; it was our project, our baby. We therefore thought, before the problems, that we had created the perfect baby.”

It took eighteen weeks for the team to finally diagnose the problem with the new OS.

“It turns out, that in the modern working environment, that the computer is the main conduit for relieving emotional frustration. Be it through verbal attacks, to the outwardly violent actions of slamming down a mouse or striking a keyboard with your fist.

“Having suddenly made a OS where there was no such irritations meant that users were not shedding their anger and were taking it out on other people.”

This discovery led to one of the most important revolutions in computer history...