Scientists Develop Solution For Britain’s Poor Dental Hygiene

3rd June 2004

Scientists researching at King’s College, London have developed a solution to put an end to the minutes wasted making a half hearted effort at brushing teeth by British citizens every day. Following successful tests on mice the University has been given a research grant of £500,000 to develop techniques for growing human teeth from stem cells.

“It’s possibly the best news I’ve heard all year,” fellow researcher Keith Wilson explained to us, “Where I previously wasted a couple of minutes each looking for my toothbrush and maybe sticking it in my mouth for a few seconds if I found it I now don’t have to bother. I can eat all the candy I want and it doesn’t matter. Once my teeth have rotted away I can just nip down the dentists and grow some replacement ones.

“I’m just gutted I didn’t think of it first, to think I wasted all that time making a robot that brushed your teeth whilst you slept.”

If the project is a success the British Government is lining up a week of national celebrations. The week will begin with a reality TV games show where 10 contestants will attempt to get their brand new teeth implants as black as possible in 24 hours.

The week will culminate in a massive toothbrush burning ceremony, accompanied by Elton John singing a new song written specially for the occasion “Whiter than Brown”

Meanwhile in America, Teeth-rights activists have spoken out against Britain’s plans. They feel that the UN should intervene and prevent the British from being allowed to grow new teeth for replacements:

“If it were any other country I would not so opposed,” Chuck Hankman, the leader of the opposition explained, “But the fact is the British already badly abuse the sets of teeth they are born with – it is just inhumane they should be allowed to continually repeat the behaviour on fresh sets of teeth.”