George Bush To Hire Stunt Double Following Bicycle Accident

23rd June 2004

Following a string of accidents, the United States President George W Bush is to hire a stunt double to take care of potentially dangerous operations such as policy making, speech delivery and running the country. The decision came after Mr Bush sustained minor facial injuries following a fall from his bicycle.

Although being billed as ‘an accident’ by the press the official line by the administration is that Mr Bush suffered at the hands of ‘an incident’ – they are refusing to call it an accident as intelligence experts have just to rule out the possibility the incident was caused by terrorist intervention.

“It’s quite easy to sabotage a bicycle,” Chuck Hankman, the President’s chief bicycle adviser explained, “You could cut the brake cables and they wouldn’t be able to stop. You could put a pinhole in the tyre to cause a slow puncture. Or you could hire an incompetent chief bicycle expert who would forget to oil the thing and then everything would cease up – now that would be dangerous.”

Reports have suggested that the President was cycling down the hill “no hands” at the time - however sources close to the President have strongly denied this. They explained that riding downhill “no hands” was extremely irresponsible and would be out of character for Mr Bush to do anything irresponsible.

It is not Mr Bush’s first such incident whilst in office – last summer the President fell forwards off of his Segway whilst demonstrating it outside the White House. In 2001 the President choked on a Pretzel and was rendered unconscious for a short period of time. Both incidents were eventually cleared of terrorist involvement and both were branded as “hilarious material” by the satire community.

The White House has stated that Mr Bush’s injuries are minor and will not impact on his speech due to be given on Monday as this will be given by his stunt double. It is expected, though, for a paragraph to be added explaining that bicycles are too dangerous to be used by ordinary civilians and restrict their users to trained stuntmen.