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>> News > United States
USA Recaptured by British Whilst Americans Busy With 4th of July Celebrations - July 4th 2004

BREAKING NEWS: The United States of America has become part of the British Empire once again, following a brief 228-year period of independence. Britain managed to recapture its former colony whilst its citizens were busy partying – distracted by their annual 4th of July celebrations.

Prime Minister Tony Blair, the nation’s new leader, was quick to credit the swift actions of the Armed Forces, who mounted such a quick counter offensive – foiling the plans of Britain’s age-old rival, the French.

“Although to many, to mount a counter offensive after 228 years seems like quite a long time, you have to remember this country has been around for over 2000 years in some form of another,” Mr Blair expected, “To the Americans though, their nation had only existed for that long so they probably thought we had forgotten about it; particularly with all that shoulder to should crap. Well here’s a reality check – we hadn’t… and now they’re paying the price for their complacency. The British Army is very, very patient.”

When asked if he had anything to say to the 250 million new citizens of the British Empire Mr Blair was quick to remind them: “There’s a General Election next year, vote Labour!”

Many Americans are disappointed by the sudden power change, particularly the former Democrat Presidential candidate John Kerry. He explained that he had felt things had been going particularly well in his campaign and he had hoped to become the 44th President of the United States. Now however, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II – head of the British Royal Family.

“With this power change it is unlikely I am ever going to become the head of state,” Mr Kerry conceded, “I have to either be related to the royal family, or marry in to it. From what I understand Prince Charles is the nearest unmarried royal in line to the throne and I don’t think that I am the type of spouse he usually goes after.

“At least I stand a better chance than George Bush though – I mean we all know his stance of gay marriage.”

Many ordinary Americans are also annoyed by the sudden return to British rule. Chuck Hankman, was quick to express his views:

“Damn! George Bush was always going on about how Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were the biggest threat to America. However, it turns out that guy Blair he was always hanging around was secretly plotting to invade us. What is it with Bush and his former friends attacking us?”

Keith Wilson, continued the American backlash towards British rule by stating:

“Does this now mean we’re part of the EU? Because that would be kind of stupid – I mean we’re in a completely continent. Plus, Europeans all hate us ever since we saved their sorry asses from Nazi occupation 6 decades ago. Who the hell is going to save us?”

“Oh shit!” Keith suddenly exclaimed, “Does this now mean we’re going to have to start calling soccer ‘football’!”

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