Scientists at Cambridge University researching motorists have made a breakthrough discovery that all Vauxhall Corsa drivers are technically female. The researchers who were investigating drivers and their motoring habits explained they had decided to research the Vauxhall Corsa because it was one of the most popular cars in the United Kingdom:

“The Vauxhall Corsa has topped the sales charts for several periods in the last month, and you do see many of them on the road so it became one of our case studies,” lead researcher Keith Wilson explained, “The thing is, whilst the car is very feminine and you do usually see it with a female driver at the controls we believed that it was also driven by a significant number of male drivers.”

Although very few Vauxhall Corsas are this colour - 100% of Vauxhall Corsa owners secretly desire their car to be metallic pink.

The investigation, given to the owners of all cars surveyed including Corsa drivers, had many questions ranging from: Age, Sex, Location to more specific questions such as ‘What is your car usually used for?’ and ‘Have you modified your car in any way?’

The statistics for the Corsa drivers revealed that the majority of its owners were either young – in their teens/early twenties – or retired.

On the subject of sex 54% of Corsa subjects answered Female, 16% answered Male and 30% answered Yes Please. Keith Wilson initially believed those that had answered ‘Yes Please’ had really intended to write Male – but was shocked to find out that all of those that had taken part in the survey had female DNA.

“I want to make this very clear,” Keith Wilson underlined, “Despite having female DNA I am not saying these people are lying and are secretly women. They are probably just freak occurrences where genetically female embryos have developed in male bodies. It certainly does explain though why such an obviously feminine car would attract such a high number of male buyers.”

When asked if he believed that there were many more instances of genetically female embryos that had developed into men Mr Wilson was certain that was unlikely as they would probably all want to own a Corsa.

“Think about it,” Wilson continued, “Why else would male Corsa drivers we so interested in making their car look cool without bothering with enhancing its performance. I mean these ‘guys’ are so interested in improving the physical appearance they make their cars slower and handle like a shopping trolley. Because they are men they can’t wear make-up and stilettos so they vent their frustration on their cars.”

Male Corsa drivers who are concerned about their true gender are advised to contact Keith Wilson through Random Perspective on: corsahelpline@randomperspective.com - please use the subject header: “I’m a Male Corsa Driver and I need help.”