Conservatives Vow To Finish Third In Next General Election

4th November 2004

The Conservatives have vowed not to be in opposition following the next General Election in their latest Party Conference. Following the Hartlepool By Election results, in which they slipped to 4th place, and opinion polls indicating they are less popular than they were this time last year it has led political analysts to believe the Conservatives are targeting a third place finish in 2005:

“The declaration of the Conservatives they do not intend to be in opposition clearly indicates the fact they have accepted they will be overtaken by the Liberal Democrats.” Political commentator Keith Wilson explained, “If anything, it could be considered fighting talk – as finishing third implies they would manage to beat the UKIP.”

The highlight of today at the Conservative Party conference was a speech by Oliver Letwin in which he vowed to cut taxes – hoping to strike a cord with potential voters. However, the impact of this message remains to be seen:

“I didn’t actually see the real speech by Oliver Letwin, but I saw that parody by Dead Ringers.” Olivia Hankman, a floating voter from West Norfolk told us.

When we explained Dead Ringers had not done a parody of Mr Letwin’s speech she was surprised:

“Maybe it was Rory Bremner… you know, the speech where he sounded really stupid by making vague promises using the usual rhetoric and pausing every 4 words trying desperately to remember his lines.”

Dennis Bock, a self proclaimed Tory-sceptic since 1992 laughed at the developments over the past weekend:

“Not only are the Tory’s being forced to save their position by winning back votes taken by parties like the UKIP and the BNP, but their latest General Election stance seems to be identical to William Hague’s ‘Keep the Pound’ campaign of 2001. Have they forgotten what a disaster that was.”