Budweiser Admits They Have Added Ecstasy – Not Caffeine – to “B-to-the-E” - October 6th 2004
Following the announcement of their latest venture into field of energy drinks, the beer manufacturer Budweiser has been forced to admit that its new beer has its effects heightened by the drug ‘Esctasy’ and not caffeine.
B-to-the-E, marketed as a beer/caffeine hybrid, has been targeted at 21 to 27 year olds following the loss of sales to cocktails and alcopops. Budweiser stated it believed that by adding caffeine to its product it would prove to be a hit with younger drinkers.
“Let’s face it, alcohol is a pretty addictive substance,” Budweiser marketing director Keith Wilson explained, “That’s why there are countless recovering and non-recovering alcoholics across the globe. Originally, alcohol addiction was enough to keep people buying our beer – but now the market is full of competitors, we were losing alcoholics to competitiors.”
Mr Wilson went on to explain they started thinking of methods to make their product more addictive without increasing its alcohol content. They immediately thought of the reason Coca Cola added caffeine to Coke. They realised that by adding caffeine to beer the resulting concoction would become hyperaddictive… and Budweiser would corner the market of alcoholic caffeine addicts.
Unfortunately, further research later proved this would not be as successful as they had hoped. They realised that the modern world was already addicted to caffeine, through coffee, Red Bull and Prop Plus caffeine tablets. Unless they added dangerous levels of the drug to their drink its effects would be insignificant on the majority of its targeted demographic.
“So we went back to the Coca Cola story.” Keith Wilson continued, “Before they used caffeine to make their drink addictive – they used cocaine. People got hooked to the cocaine and became dependant on the drink. It was an amazing success… until adding cocaine to food and drink products was made illegal.”
Budweiser immediately searched for a drug they could add that was stronger than caffeine – was not cocaine – and was not readily available on the supermarket shelves. They eventually settled on Ecstacy, as being a popular party drug it would prove a hit with the targeted age bracket.
“People are shocked when we tell them it contains Ecstacy, but I’m fairly certain that cocaine is the only illegal drug that was outlawed from use in food. I mean, get a grip people… where did you think we got the name ‘B to the E’ from?”
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