Tom Cruise is Officially Gay - January 25th 2006
A team of international experts has concluded that Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise is, in no uncertain terms, gay. The study, conducted by analysts in many different fields of expertise, looked at the actor's lifestyle over his entire career and scrutinized various aspects of his personality - the results speak for themselves.
"To be honest, we were shocked," Chuck Hankman - director of the research team revealed, "Tom Cruise is 98% gay...it's practically impossible to be any more gay than that."
To put that in perspective, scientists predict that the average man is 5% gay - although it does vary depending on each person's circumstances: for example, most hairdressers are considered to be at least 17% gay.
The team behind the revelation explained there were a numer of reasons why Tom Cruise was so gay: he is married to a beautiful young Hollywood girl, he has a personal fortune of millions of dollars, he is considered by many to be one of the world's best looking men and he has starred in a large number of major Hollywood blockbusters which have nearly all been extremely successful. All of these factors would make any regular person exceedingly gay.
Of course, this does not mean that Tom Cruise is gay all of the time - the other 2% means there are times when Tom Cruise is not gay:
"Tom Cruise is certainly not gay all of the time. There are times when he goes mad. A good example of this was when he saw that South Park episode that implied he is a homosexual - he was anything but gay after watching that."
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