Government Authorizes Forming of No-Smoking Death Squads After Voting for Smoking Ban

15th February 2006

In a radical move to combat the evil of smoking in public, the British Government has voted in favour of banning smoking in all public places – such as pubs, restaurants and petrol stations. The move comes after months of debate over the pros and cons – and has become one of the most fiercely debated subjects since the introduction of the fox hunting ban last year.

On one hand, non smokers objected to the fact that whenever they voluntarily entered a public area in which someone was smoking they were forced into breathing in their smoke:

“I went in one restaurant,” anti smoker Keith Wilson recalled, “And there were a bunch of smokers dangerously smoking their cigarettes. I thought I'd get a meal by the window so I had some fresh air – but they saw me trying to escape their second hand smoke and they came up to me, bundled me and forcibly blew their smoke down my lungs by performing a mock CPR procedure on me.

“Smokers say they are only shortening their life by ten years – and those are the worst ten years of any one's life so they aren't missing anything. That may be, but my grandfather smoked and he died in 1992 – back then there was no Internet, no cell phones and the only way to watch a movie was on a VHS. Had he not smoked he would have lived to have bought a DVD player and would have been able to watch the director's commentary to American Beauty – a movie that hadn't even been filmed when he died in that plane crash.”

Chuck Hankman, chairman of the United Smoker's Front, opposed the ban:

“This is ridiculous. We are all for sensible reforms of the tobacco industry – particularly those that include tax cuts – however, as well as persecuting smokers the new laws are virtually impossible to enforce.”

Hankman's statements, however, were later found to be hugely inaccurately. Hidden in the small print at the bottom of new law were the details describing the creation of a new division of the police force: the no-smoking death squads:

“Banning smoking will have an extraordinary effect on the economy: productivity will go up, a sizeable portion of the population will spend all their time severely pissed off and lives will be saved as fewer and fewer people succumb to the effects of prolonged exposure to cigarette smoke. It is vital that it is therefore rigorously enforced.”

The new division, which in order to carry out it's duties sufficiently, will be 7 times the size of the anti terrorist death squad but only 3 times the size of the anti-chav death squad established in 2003. They will be one of the few law enforcement agencies to operate a shoot-to-kill policy – one of the stipulations in the bill – as the government stated that saving lives was their top priority, and no one should get in the way of that.