Custom Search
News
International
United Kingdom
United States
Sport
Entertainment
Internet
Science / Tech

Features
Articles
Notices
Editorial
Submissions

2010
January

The Dark Age
Nov 06 - Dec 09

2006
October
September
April
March
February
January

2005
December
October
September
May
April
February
January

2004
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2003
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2002
December
November




Hosted by
2f3 Internet

More Humour
BBspot
The Bentinel
Big Fib
Broken Newz
The Daily Bull
Deadbrain UK
Deadbrain US
Faux Newz
The Fake News
Glossy News
The Hammer
I-Mockery
KTAB News
Muskrat News
News Hax
No Apologies Press
On The John
Perplexing Times
Rant Morgan
Satirium
Social Scrutiny
The Specious Report
Studio 8
The Toque
Trepanning
US Press
The Voice of Reason UK
The Voice of Reason US
Watley Review
Weekly Canard

Music Sites
Sonar Radar
BeatEd.com
Green Plastic
No Through Road
>> News > United Kingdom
Government Authorizes Forming of No-Smoking Death Squads After Voting for Smoking Ban - February 15th 2006

In a radical move to combat the evil of smoking in public, the British Government has voted in favour of banning smoking in all public places – such as pubs, restaurants and petrol stations. The move comes after months of debate over the pros and cons – and has become one of the most fiercely debated subjects since the introduction of the fox hunting ban last year.

On one hand, non smokers objected to the fact that whenever they voluntarily entered a public area in which someone was smoking they were forced into breathing in their smoke:

“I went in one restaurant,” anti smoker Keith Wilson recalled, “And there were a bunch of smokers dangerously smoking their cigarettes. I thought I'd get a meal by the window so I had some fresh air – but they saw me trying to escape their second hand smoke and they came up to me, bundled me and forcibly blew their smoke down my lungs by performing a mock CPR procedure on me.

“Smokers say they are only shortening their life by ten years – and those are the worst ten years of any one's life so they aren't missing anything. That may be, but my grandfather smoked and he died in 1992 – back then there was no Internet, no cell phones and the only way to watch a movie was on a VHS. Had he not smoked he would have lived to have bought a DVD player and would have been able to watch the director's commentary to American Beauty – a movie that hadn't even been filmed when he died in that plane crash.”

Chuck Hankman, chairman of the United Smoker's Front, opposed the ban:

“This is ridiculous. We are all for sensible reforms of the tobacco industry – particularly those that include tax cuts – however, as well as persecuting smokers the new laws are virtually impossible to enforce.”

Hankman's statements, however, were later found to be hugely inaccurately. Hidden in the small print at the bottom of new law were the details describing the creation of a new division of the police force: the no-smoking death squads:

No Smoking Death Squad
The Death Squad could not get any closer to the smoker without being seen so decided it was in the best interests of the safety of those in the restaurant to use a grenade.

“Banning smoking will have an extraordinary effect on the economy: productivity will go up, a sizeable portion of the population will spend all their time severely pissed off and lives will be saved as fewer and fewer people succumb to the effects of prolonged exposure to cigarette smoke. It is vital that it is therefore rigorously enforced.”

The new division, which in order to carry out it's duties sufficiently, will be 7 times the size of the anti terrorist death squad but only 3 times the size of the anti-chav death squad established in 2003. They will be one of the few law enforcement agencies to operate a shoot-to-kill policy – one of the stipulations in the bill – as the government stated that saving lives was their top priority, and no one should get in the way of that.

Click to share this page on:
Disclaimer: Random Perspective accepts no responsibility for your believing of anything on this website.

The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

IMPORTANT: If you do not appreciate or understand this article please consult your doctor as your right ventromedial prefrontal cortex is impaired.
Latest News
Shocking Image Confirms UKIP's Claims That Immigration Has Left Parts of Britain Unrecognisable

Santa Unveils Drone Fleet To Revolutionize Christmas Present Delivery in 2013

British and American Government Reach Consensus on Math vs Maths Debate

Yahoo Staff Hope Marissa Mayer's Love For Baking Ends Soon

Is Apple's WWDC the Star Trek Convention of the 21st Century?



Related Articles
Marlboro Cancels ‘Kiddarettes’ Programme

“I smoke 40 a day” George Bush Tells Koreans

Latest Police Figures Show Tramp Bashing Up by 100%

Marlboro Submits Alternative Design For Replacement World Trade Center

Ferrari Deny Schumacher Bias









Do you like this website?
Please let me know your opinions by emailing me or contacting me via MSN on BenDickson@Hotmail.com

Random Perspective: News, Satire and Humour.
Random Stuff for those who read this far: Oak Worktops and Walnut Worktops, Bespoke Designer Kitchens, Fruit Videos, FruitVideos Blog, Norfolk Wedding Photography, and Lowestoft Estate Agent