In a speech attacking the increase in gun crime amongst youngsters, David Cameron declared that fathers should be compelled to fight gang culture in an effort to tackle the root cause of the problem.

When questioned about his wording, and the implication that no mother was capable of instilling such values in their children, Mr Cameron's spokesperson was quick to clarify:

“David Cameron made his opinion quite clear. Fathers, and fathers only, are the only ones with the power to teach this to their sons,” he explained, “And before you ask. Yes, even if he did not say the word 'sons' – it's what he meant. Because only men and men only are capable of using firearms, and educating their sons not to.”

Mr Cameron went on to state he believed in marriage and the unity it brought. He felt it was the most essential aspect to a stable home environment:

“From this, I think it is clear what Mr Cameron was trying to imply,” his spokesperson continued, “For all those who thought he was not a true blue blooded Tory, well this proves them wrong. Mr Cameron has just explained how he believes that the entire rise of gun related murders in the UK is down to single mothers. I don't even think Thatcher went that far... she just thought they were the benefit reaping scourge of society.”

Mr Cameron never commented on how he felt same sex unions fitted in with his beliefs. Given his support for them in previous issues it can only be assumed that he feels that lesbian unions, whilst they provide a stable home environment – they are incapable of preventing their sons from recreating the shoot out scene from Heat in London's South End.

As for a union between two men, it can only be assumed that for Mr Cameron – this is the ideal arrangement. This was backed up by Mr Cameron's spokesperson:

“Yes, following the logic through, it is reasonable to conclude that for My Cameron, gay marriage between two men is the ideal arrangement,” he explained, “I mean, Mr Cameron has made it clear that fathers are the only people with the power to stop gun crime so having a dad is essential. But two dads? I mean, that would probably bring about world peace. To be perfectly honest, the only responsible thing that he can do now is to divorce Samantha and hook up with Alan Duncan.”