James Cameron Discovers Jesus's Tomb – 'Jesus Park' to Hit Theatres Fall '07 - February 26th 2007
Hollywood Director James Cameron revealed that he, personally, has discovered the tomb of the Christian Saviour Jesus Christ. The coffins, initially unearthed in 1980, are nearly 2,000 years old and DNA evidence has suggested that they might have once contained the remains of the Son of God.
“Yeah, we pretty much proved that Jesus once laid in that coffin when we did the DNA tests,” Cameron explained to the gathered press, “I mean, we are just lucky that Jesus lived in the Roman times. Most of the civilisations in history would have been far too backwards to have kept sufficiently detailed DNA records but we all know the Romans were centuries ahead of their time. Come on, they probably used stuff we have still yet to invent today.”
Many have countered Cameron's claims stating that Jesus was, in fact, resurrected by God and ascended to heaven meaning that the remains in the coffin could not be Christ. Others have claimed that if the remains do turn out to be of Jesus Christ then 1/3rd of the global population is going to end up looking rather stupid.
Again, Cameron had already thought of the answer:
“Firstly, we haven't found any body inside the tomb. But we have found some residue inside the coffin from which we took the DNA. All this means is that Jesus once laid inside it. This is perfectly in keeping with the bible. I mean, he was probably buried in the coffin in his dead state, then God resurrected him meaning Jesus had to break out of his coffin whilst buried 6 feet underground. Man, that would make a great scene in a movie – someone having a break out of a buried coffin using only their hands...”
The Discovery Channel is claiming that the find is potentially the “greatest archaeological find in history” Representative Chuck Hankman found it difficult to hold back his excitement:
“We find people goo every day. I mean, it's our job, digging up the dead and examining the gooey residue to find out just how gooey a dead person can go. But to find Jesus goo... that's just a landmark event. I don't think we have ever found the goo of a prophet of god before, especially not his son.”
The prospect of finally having found some genetic material of the son of God has excited the major political figures across America. Figures from both Democratic and Republican parties are keen to meet up with James Cameron to utilise the DNA in their own movie-themed project.
Democratic Senator Barrack Obama was quick to suggest that Cameron use it to open 'Jesus Parks' across the United States:
“It would be quite easy to use the material to create a whole batch of clones of Jesus Christ – we could put them in theme parks across the country where sick people who can't afford to go to hospital can go and get healed. I mean, remember all the miracles he performed 2,000 years ago... well we need a whole army of miracle performers to put the health care system back on track.”
Bush was quick to counter the Democratic suggestion, predictably basing his suggestion on 'Attack of the Clones':
“I have always stated my desire to build bridges with the Democratic party and find common ground. So, whilst I take on board their suggestions for cloning a whole army of Jesus Christs – I think all that investment would be better spent in Iraq rather than on health care. I have just agreed to send an extra 21,000 troops to Iraq, and the Democrats are constantly saying we need a miracle to sort out the problems there... so what could be better than 21,000 Jesus Christs marching into the heart of the Middle East?”
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