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>> News > United States
Al-Qaeda Angry that US Media Does a Better Job at Scaring Americans - January 14th 2010

Al-Qaeda has released a press statement expressing their anger that the news stations across the United States are striking fear in to far more Americans’ hearts than they are. Speaking from their press conference cave in Afghanistan Osama Bin Laden’s lookalike gave a broadcast in High Definition explaining that the actions by organisations such as Fox, CNN and MSNBC.

The reaction comes following the press reaction to the failed terrorist attack over the Christmas holidays. When Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab failed to destroy Northwest Airlines Flight 253 there was widespread criticism of Airport security in the US Press, who have suggested that it is not up to the task.

“This is simply not good enough,” news pundit Benn Glock* shouted angrily at the camera, “Luckily nobody was killed in this attack, but TWO passengers were injured in this attack. One passenger suffered severe burns to his genitals. Would you want your genitals to be burned in a terrorist attack... well it could happen to you America. It could happen to you.”

Terrorist Umar Abdulmutallab, the passenger who suffered severe burns to his genitals admitted that from his perspective the attack had been a disaster:

“Not only did I fail to destroy the infidels and secure my passage into paradise but I have severely burned my legs and my genitals. Should I manage to ever make it into paradise now the 40 virgins are going to be of no use to me.

“Also,” he added, “The emergency security checks introduced after my attack are going to make checking in to my flight to Death Row a real bitch.”

Despite this being the first bomb attack since 9/11 to succeed in igniting, the US news stations have denied that they are acting irrationally. They have stated that an incident rate of a handful of cases a decade is the reason it warrants so much airtime.

“It is important that Americans know that you can be the victim of an attack at any place and at any time,” Benn Glock* stated, hammering his fist repeatedly on his desk at the same time, “Some people have been so irresponsible they have suggested that the death rate on our roads, of over 40,000 people a year, is much higher than our death rate due to terrorism.

“However you can only die on the road if you are in a car, or if you are a pedestrian (which, with this being America is highly unlikely) – those are very specific places and only occur during the times that you are at them. It is not as dangerous AS ANY PLACE AND AT ANY TIME!”

He then went on to unveil his new viral campaign to raise awareness for the terrorist threat level in the form of a new poster and T-Shirt merchandise. Produced ‘somewhere in south Asia’ Benn Glock assured his viewers that purchasing them would help fight terrorism and ensure money does not get in their hands.

US Media Viral Campaign
The following image will be available as a poster and as a T-Shirt to subconsciously remind Americans that their lives are in danger.

Meanwhile, in Afghanistan, the Taliban has criticized Al-Qaeda for the introduction of a Press room with water cooler, High Definition Video feeds, and a habit of constantly revealing which terrorist incidents they were responsible for, meaning that they are doing a better job at informing Americans about the War on Terror than American News Stations.

*Please note that Benn Glock is a fictional person. Any resemblance to real persons either alive or dead is merely coincidental

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The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

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