Custom Search
News
International
United Kingdom
United States
Sport
Entertainment
Internet
Science / Tech

Features
Articles
Notices
Editorial
Submissions

2010
January

The Dark Age
Nov 06 - Dec 09

2006
October
September
April
March
February
January

2005
December
October
September
May
April
February
January

2004
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2003
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2002
December
November




Hosted by
2f3 Internet

More Humour
BBspot
The Bentinel
Big Fib
Broken Newz
The Daily Bull
Deadbrain UK
Deadbrain US
Faux Newz
The Fake News
Glossy News
The Hammer
I-Mockery
KTAB News
Muskrat News
News Hax
No Apologies Press
On The John
Perplexing Times
Rant Morgan
Satirium
Social Scrutiny
The Specious Report
Studio 8
The Toque
Trepanning
US Press
The Voice of Reason UK
The Voice of Reason US
Watley Review
Weekly Canard

Music Sites
Sonar Radar
BeatEd.com
Green Plastic
No Through Road
>> News > United States
Bristol Palin Tells Teens "No To Pre-marital Sex" – Vows To Break Other Taboos For The Good Of America - January 24th 2010

Sarah Palin’s eldest daughter, Bristol, has urged American’s to "Say No To Pre-marital Sex" in an television interview with Oprah. Bristol, who shot to fame following the revelation she was pregnant during the 2008 Presidential Campaigns was forced to admit that she had engaged in pre-marital sex herself after it became obvious that no one would believe it was a miracle conception.

"At the end of the day they were wise to not even attempt to play the virgin birth spin," Political commentator Chuck Hankman commented, "Because a virgin birth means that God knocked up you, and let’s face it, if God was going to pick a Palin daughter to get busy with he would have waited for Willow Palin to become legal because she is going to be so much hotter than Bristol."

Bristol and Willow Palin
Bristol Palin is not on Hot or Not, however it has been calculated by America's finest scientists that she would score 6.8. Assuming no facially disfiguring accident in the next 4 years, once 18 years of age Willow Palin is predicted to exceed 8.5.

Bristol, meanwhile, has said that although it may appear hypocritical that she should be giving this advice having failed to adhere to it herself she pointed out that as someone who has 'been through it' it makes her far more qualified to comment on the rights and wrongs than those who have not.

"At the end of the day somebody has to do it," spokesperson Keith Wilson told reporters, "Someone has to take that bullet and try out these taboos to make sure our morals are well founded. Bristol has reported back to the Republican Party that 'yes, we are right on the whole sex before marriage stance.'"

Mr Wilson went on to explain that having proven herself to be an excellent investigator into the morals of pre-marital sex, Bristol Palin had volunteered to investigate other Republican taboos. He provided reporters with some of her summaries on various contentious issues:

"To start with I decided to experiment with Atheism," Bristol's video diary began, "However, as an Atheist that meant I didn't believe in heaven and that made me sad because without heaven there is nowhere to go when you die. Religion should not make you feel sad so I am telling America to 'Say No to Atheism'

"And while I am on the Atheism issue - say no to evolution too. I attended all sorts of lectures that apparently prove that we are descended from animals but they were complicated. Intelligent design is a much easier concept to understand, it doesn't make your head hurt like trying to understand evolution.And anything that makes your head hurt must be bad.

"Lots of Americans say we should legalise drugs like marijuana; in order to test this out I spent a weekend with Paris Hilton and took marijuana, a whole number of pills and so much cocaine you would not believe. I almost died, and if it was not for our health service I would have probably died. So saying no to drugs is definitely staying on the list.

"After the drugs incident, Mommy suggested I went over to Europe and see if their communist health care system would be able to save me from a Hilton sized overdose. So I went to France, and took all the same drugs again. They managed to save my life too, but unlike our American hospitals they all spoke French there so I could not understand them. How is that a good customer experience? Socialised Healthcare - SAY NO AMERICA!"

Bristol Palin went to switch off her video camera, before unexpectedly thrusting her hand into her face in realisation:

"Damnit," She exclaimed once she withdrew her facepalm "I totally missed my opportunity to try out an abortion."

Click to share this page on:
Disclaimer: Random Perspective accepts no responsibility for your believing of anything on this website.

The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

IMPORTANT: If you do not appreciate or understand this article please consult your doctor as your right ventromedial prefrontal cortex is impaired.
Latest News
Fishla announce World's first humanoid Robot Chef

Conservatives to increase Public Service praise by 200%

Shocking Image Confirms UKIP's Claims That Immigration Has Left Parts of Britain Unrecognisable

Santa Unveils Drone Fleet To Revolutionize Christmas Present Delivery in 2013

British and American Government Reach Consensus on Math vs Maths Debate



Related Articles
Fox News: 2008 Elections Perfect Platform To Launch New Anchor

Legalised Prostitution – Random Perspective Asks the Important Questions

Arnold Schwarzenegger To Blast Deadly Gay Unions With Rail Gun

Britney Spears is NOT a Virgin; Men Worldwide Are Now Puzzled Why She Turned Them Down.

Sex Banned in School Prospectus









Do you like this website?
Please let me know your opinions by emailing me or contacting me via MSN on BenDickson@Hotmail.com

Random Perspective: News, Satire and Humour.
Random Stuff for those who read this far: Oak Worktops and Walnut Worktops, Bespoke Designer Kitchens, Fruit Videos, FruitVideos Blog, Norfolk Wedding Photography, and Lowestoft Estate Agent