Hollywood Releases Guidelines Telling Writers Who They Can Kill

27th January 2010

Following the rise in popularity of TV shows such as 24, which feature a high number of deaths per episode, Hollywood has released a list that it hopes will help writers determine what deaths are acceptable in the eyes of the American public, and which deaths are most shocking of all.

“On screen killing and torturing is the new reality TV,” Hollywood executive Chuck Hankman excitedly told us, “People can’t get enough of it. You know, in 24 – it used to be that Jack Bauer had to go through this long piece of narrative where he would meet the terrorist, question him a bit, the situation escalated and suddenly – against every good fiber in his body – he was forced to resort to torture.

“The thing is, that takes up time and people got bored. But after so many seasons of 24, people see Jack and they know torture is his thing. We don’t need to explain it, it’s like an ongoing joke in a sitcom, he walks into the room and –BAM – for no justifiable reason in the real world he is removing some guy’s appendages with an electric sander.”

Mr Hankman said that while onscreen violence was growing in popularity with American audiences, it was necessary to introduce these guidelines before the screenplays became ‘ridiculous’ – he also said that there would definitely be no let up on the restrictions on nudity or sexual content.

“Hey, if a kid emulates Jack Bauer by ripping out another kid’s larynx that is a tragic, awful consequence,” he clarified, “However, if a teenage girl was to expose her breast to a teenage boy because of onscreen nudity, I could not live with myself for that. Worse still, what if we started showing penises on screen? I don’t want my daughter to know that they exist.”

The guidelines released are a list of people in order of “most acceptable to kill” to “least acceptable to kill” – the list was ended with an statement: ‘If a character has black skin, they should be moved 5 places up the list.’

The list is as follows:

1. Police Officers
2. Pedophiles
3. Members of the United States Armed Forces
4. Women who are cheating on their husbands
5. Black people
6. Suicide bombers
7. Liberals
8. Drug Addicts
9. People with terminal illnesses.
10. Competent Politicians
11. Journalists
12. Terrorists
13. CEO of a Major Corporation
14. Homosexuals
15. Attractive Women under the age of 30
16. President of the United States
17. Main Terrorist Mastermind
18. Children
19. Jack Bauer
20. Dogs