US General Fired Due To Poor F-35 Performance in Die-Hard

2nd February 2010

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates has fired David Heinz, the general responsible for overseeing the development of the military jet - the F-35, after catching the end of Die Hard 4.0 on TV. The multi million dollar plane, designed for short take offs and vertical landing, was easily despatched by Bruce Willis using nothing by concrete rocks and debris.

“This flaw is certainly a concern,” Defence Secretary Robert Gates admitted, “This jet is meant to be state of the art. It is meant to be able to withstand heat seeking missiles fired from concealed positions. If one seriously injured man can take out the airplane whilst falling from a collapsing freeway bridge using only his bare hands and whatever rubble falls his way we are in big big trouble.”

Aviation expert Chuck Hankman agreed with Robert Gates' assessment:

“The F35 is designed to replace many older aircraft, F18s, F14s – but most significantly – the Harrier Jumpjet. While Bruce Willis was able to destroy a freshly commissioned F-35 in a matter of minutes, Arnold Schwarzenegger was able to take out a whole skyscraper of terrorists using a 25 year old jet.

“And that jet, the Harrier, was created by the British. They would have not had the same level of funding for the supply of coffee or dental floss for the engineers designing it as the F-35 did. They might have failed to put in cup holders big enough to fit a gallon cup of coke from McDonalds, but at least it can survive to the end of a Hollywood Blockbuster.”

The multi billion dollar programme has been plagued with difficulties and has fallen behind schedule prompting the Defence Secretary Robert Gates to withhold the performance related bonuses to manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“These bonuses are performance related,” Robert Gates explained, “ Now, I know in the past – particularly with the bankers and the CEOs of failing corportations – we have still handed these bonuses out, I am beginning to think that maybe 'being nice to them when they screw up' is not as effective as we thought at getting them to do better next time.

“Therefore, I have taken the radical step to withhold these performance related bonuses because Lockheed Martin has not performed. Some may say this is an untested approach, and maybe we should give them the bonus and a dozen more contracts. But every time we have done that in the past there has been no real improvement in results – and there are only so many new contracts we can invent.”

Many believe that the F-35 programme should be scrapped as with the development of unmanned aircraft continue it is believed manned fighter jets are becoming an irrelevance.

Chuck Hankman disagreed:

“Absolutely not. While it is true that unmanned aircraft are going to make fighter jets obsolete in actual military battles – how boring would films become? Do you think watching Jack Bauer ride a Predator Drone across the skyline of Los Angeles clubbing it to death with a laptop would make good television?

“What do you mean 'Have I seen the scripts for Season 8 of 24?'”