Custom Search
News
International
United Kingdom
United States
Sport
Entertainment
Internet
Science / Tech

Features
Articles
Notices
Editorial
Submissions

2010
January

The Dark Age
Nov 06 - Dec 09

2006
October
September
April
March
February
January

2005
December
October
September
May
April
February
January

2004
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2003
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January

2002
December
November




Hosted by
2f3 Internet

More Humour
BBspot
The Bentinel
Big Fib
Broken Newz
The Daily Bull
Deadbrain UK
Deadbrain US
Faux Newz
The Fake News
Glossy News
The Hammer
I-Mockery
KTAB News
Muskrat News
News Hax
No Apologies Press
On The John
Perplexing Times
Rant Morgan
Satirium
Social Scrutiny
The Specious Report
Studio 8
The Toque
Trepanning
US Press
The Voice of Reason UK
The Voice of Reason US
Watley Review
Weekly Canard

Music Sites
Sonar Radar
BeatEd.com
Green Plastic
No Through Road
>> News > United States
US General Fired Due To Poor F-35 Performance in Die-Hard - February 2nd 2010

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates has fired David Heinz, the general responsible for overseeing the development of the military jet - the F-35, after catching the end of Die Hard 4.0 on TV. The multi million dollar plane, designed for short take offs and vertical landing, was easily despatched by Bruce Willis using nothing by concrete rocks and debris.

“This flaw is certainly a concern,” Defence Secretary Robert Gates admitted, “This jet is meant to be state of the art. It is meant to be able to withstand heat seeking missiles fired from concealed positions. If one seriously injured man can take out the airplane whilst falling from a collapsing freeway bridge using only his bare hands and whatever rubble falls his way we are in big big trouble.”

Aviation expert Chuck Hankman agreed with Robert Gates' assessment:

“The F35 is designed to replace many older aircraft, F18s, F14s – but most significantly – the Harrier Jumpjet. While Bruce Willis was able to destroy a freshly commissioned F-35 in a matter of minutes, Arnold Schwarzenegger was able to take out a whole skyscraper of terrorists using a 25 year old jet.

“And that jet, the Harrier, was created by the British. They would have not had the same level of funding for the supply of coffee or dental floss for the engineers designing it as the F-35 did. They might have failed to put in cup holders big enough to fit a gallon cup of coke from McDonalds, but at least it can survive to the end of a Hollywood Blockbuster.”

The multi billion dollar programme has been plagued with difficulties and has fallen behind schedule prompting the Defence Secretary Robert Gates to withhold the performance related bonuses to manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“These bonuses are performance related,” Robert Gates explained, “ Now, I know in the past – particularly with the bankers and the CEOs of failing corportations – we have still handed these bonuses out, I am beginning to think that maybe 'being nice to them when they screw up' is not as effective as we thought at getting them to do better next time.

“Therefore, I have taken the radical step to withhold these performance related bonuses because Lockheed Martin has not performed. Some may say this is an untested approach, and maybe we should give them the bonus and a dozen more contracts. But every time we have done that in the past there has been no real improvement in results – and there are only so many new contracts we can invent.”

Many believe that the F-35 programme should be scrapped as with the development of unmanned aircraft continue it is believed manned fighter jets are becoming an irrelevance.

Chuck Hankman disagreed:

“Absolutely not. While it is true that unmanned aircraft are going to make fighter jets obsolete in actual military battles – how boring would films become? Do you think watching Jack Bauer ride a Predator Drone across the skyline of Los Angeles clubbing it to death with a laptop would make good television?

“What do you mean 'Have I seen the scripts for Season 8 of 24?'”

Jack Bauer Riding a Predator Drone
Jack Bauer's bullet repelling deodrant is even effective against surface to air missiles.

Click to share this page on:
Disclaimer: Random Perspective accepts no responsibility for your believing of anything on this website.

The content on this website is satirical and thus many reports are unsubstantiated and therefore should not be considered factual. The use of major brands and corporations is used in good humour in order to improve the impact of the writing. Under no circumstances should you believe anything that could be considered defamatory without first checking it against a major news source.

IMPORTANT: If you do not appreciate or understand this article please consult your doctor as your right ventromedial prefrontal cortex is impaired.
Latest News
Shocking Image Confirms UKIP's Claims That Immigration Has Left Parts of Britain Unrecognisable

Santa Unveils Drone Fleet To Revolutionize Christmas Present Delivery in 2013

British and American Government Reach Consensus on Math vs Maths Debate

Yahoo Staff Hope Marissa Mayer's Love For Baking Ends Soon

Is Apple's WWDC the Star Trek Convention of the 21st Century?



Related Articles
Hollywood Releases Guidelines Telling Writers Who They Can Kill

Captain Kirk Fires Scotty for General Crappiness of his Communicator

Jack Bauer Shoots Down the Starship Enterprise

37% of Americans Believe Jack Bauer is Real

Arnold Schwarzenegger To Blast Deadly Gay Unions With Rail Gun









Do you like this website?
Please let me know your opinions by emailing me or contacting me via MSN on BenDickson@Hotmail.com

Random Perspective: News, Satire and Humour.
Random Stuff for those who read this far: Oak Worktops and Walnut Worktops, Bespoke Designer Kitchens, Fruit Videos, FruitVideos Blog, Norfolk Wedding Photography, and Lowestoft Estate Agent