Toyota CEO Issued With 6,397,345 Speeding Tickets

1st February 2010

Toyota Chairman and CEO, Akio Toyoda, has been handed a record fine for speeding tickets amassed in vehicles produced by company that – due to a manufacturing fault – would continue to speed up due to the accelerator pedal getting stuck down, either by the floor mat or via an internal fault. Due to Toyota's success in penetrating all international markets so successfully, many drivers have experienced the problem and have claimed that the speeding tickets they have been issued are a result of the problem and therefore out of their control. As a result, the European Court of Justice and the American Supreme Court – as well as many other similar bodies across the world – have ruled that all speeding tickets should be passed on to Toyota and that CEO Akio Toyoda has to personally accept responsibility.

Although the exact figure has yet to be determined, market analysts have predicted that it is likely to be almost 6.5 million world wide, causing the figure 6,397,345 to be used.

“Mr Toyoda cannot believe his misfortune,” Chuck Hankman, a PR consultant for Toyota's American operation declared, “He said in all his years of driving he has always been very careful. He always watches his speed - so to get not just one, not just two, but 6.4million speeding tickets in one day is totally against his nature and comes as a complete surprise. He is hoping that the courts will take this into account.

“He also believes that in 2.7million examples the speed limit for the road in question was not clearly visible and in at least 1.5 million fines the radar equipment had not been correctly calibrated.”

While the severity of punishment issued to Mr Toyoda will only be determined once all cases have been anaylsed, it is widely predicted that it will involve both a fine and a temporary ban.

“I have represented a large number of clients for speeding,” Keith Wilson, a British solicitor famed for representing C-List celebrities for driving offences, told us “There was one Page 3 model that was fined £100 and banned for 3 months for driving at 109mph in a residential area. That was for driving at 69mph above the legal limit. If you accumulate all of Mr Toyoda's offences he exceeded the speeding limit by nearly 70 million mph. Even if he is able to get 80% of cases thrown out of court due to technicalities, that is still more than 12 million mph over the combined limit.

“On that basis, he should be banned from driving for until 2297 and given a fine that will cause another credit crunch in Japan.”

Scientists have said that a driving ban until 2297 would be academic due to the three most likely extrapolations of how life in the 23rd Century will be.

1. By 2297, due to all Hollywood projections, we will travelling across the universe via teleporters, stargates and TARDISes.
2. Due to driving Gas Guzzling SUVs and sports cars the world no longer exists
3. Due to converting from Gas Guzzling SUVs and sports cars, the entire human race has committed mass suicide due to having to drive Priuses

“It is also possible the world will be like the movie Surrogates,” American Scientist Dennis Bock explained, “But that would suit Mr Toyoda because at Toyota they have been developing all these Robots and Androids to distract the press at shareholder dinner parties. However I am not sure that the robots Toyota have developed so far would be survive all the explosions seen in that future.”

Toyota has been forced to order a global recall of many of its most popular models produced over the last few years; this move has knocked customer confidence and global sales are expected to drop in most markets as a result. Whilst this has been seen in many markets already, the news of the fault has seen a huge surge of sales in Italy, where many customers have been ordering cars specifically made during the period of production when the fault is believed to have occurred.

“What can I say, we are Italians!” Formula One Driver Jarno Trulli laughed, “We like small cars that drive fast. If the accelerator gets stuck, that is good – it means we can take out foot off spend more time concentrating on looking after our hair.

“If only the Toyota Formula 1 car I drove last year had had this problem,” he continued, “We might actually have won some races then.”