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>> News > International News
God’s Lightning Bolt Machine Breaks Down – Unable to Electrocute Gene Robinson - August 7th 2003

God has revealed that his famous Lightning Bolt Machine, which he has used throughout history to strike sinning people down with, is currently out of order meaning that the omnipotent being is completely unable to express his wrath on any sinning individual currently inhabiting the earth.

In an exclusive interview, God explained to us exactly how this impacted his day-to-day running of the world.

“It’s a bit of a pain to be honest,” the God bellowed at us in a stereotypical deep booming voice. “I mean, I’m up here, with the intention of keeping you lot down there in check only to find my beloved Lightning Bolt Machine has packed in.

“I think the words out – sinning’s been on the increase. There’s this area in London where adultery has become rampant – everyone’s sleeping with everyone, it’s out of control and completely unbelievable. I think it might be the East End but I’d have to double check.

“Of course, there are loads of misdemeanours going on but my main concern is that Gene Robinson. I mean, as all the Christian Fundamentalists say, it’s against my teachings – how could they elect him? The only reason I haven’t struck them all down dead is because my lightning bolt machine is knackered.

“But it’s not just homosexuality that’s a sin. Remember all those seven deadly sins? Come on, if you’ve not read the bible you’ve surely seen Se7en? Gluttony is also a sin and have you seen the number of fat bishops? If my machine weren’t packed in it’d be barbeque time for most of the Mediterranean.

“Of course, that’s just the Old Testament. I started to really confuse you lot when I released the New Testament with the Love thy neighbour and Love thy God bits. How can you go around burning homosexuals and fat people if you’re meant to love them as you’d love me? I sure as hell don’t want them coming up here and setting fire my heavenly robes – I might be the all powerful one but have you ever tried getting burn marks out of silk? You’d need more than a miracle.”

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