In a surprise development, officials have decided that in the interests of the general population to shoot David Beckham dead.

The announcement comes as the English football player finds himself at the centre of much unwanted publicity, for both him and people reading about him. Apparently, people are sick to death about reading about him, listening about him, or watching him on the TV.

The resentment (officially documented as ‘David Beckham News Syndrome”) started in America, where David Beckham and his wife Victoria Beckham (formerly Posh Spice) took a holiday. Despite being famous playing a sport that was really recognised in the States, David Beckham was surprised when nobody seemed to know who he was. Victoria Beckham was even more surprised that the only people that seemed to recognise her had a tendency to shout abuse at her for “those stupid f**king songs”

Like most trends, 'David Beckham News Syndrome' spread from America to the UK, where David Beckham became the centre of attention in some sort of transfer. Unfortunately nobody knows what sort of transfer as they either fell asleep whilst watching it or flicked to another channel.

The decision to shoot David Beckham came following threats from both the Italian and Spanish Governments. They said they didn’t care if we sent over SARS or a flood of illegal immigrants, but if we didn’t prevent “David Beckham News Syndrome” spreading to their nations they would have no choice but to declare war.