|Replacement Entrance Exam for Cambridge University - February 7th 2003|
After centuries of admitting students based on academic success and written exam results Cambridge University has decided to replace the way it awards places to students on a new revolutionary system:
"I feel that this new system of testing will ensure the students we admit fit in much better with the ethos of our establishment" a spokesperson informed us.
The new test is a 7 step physical test which determines whether the applicant is rejected, or offered a conditional/unconditional offer. The steps are as follows:
Step 1: Start in an Upright Position
Step 2: Relax hips and lean slightly forwards.
Step 3: Allowing your arms to drop, begin bending the body around the hips.
Step 4: As your torso lowers, reach inbetween your legs with both arms.
Step 5: Allow your head to follow the path that your arms are taking and push inbetween your legs.
Step 6: Once the upper half of your torso has emerged, tip your head forwards to rest on your buttocks.
Step 7: Continue the motion of the head as described in Step 6.
If a Student completes Step 7 they will receive an unconditional offer. If a Student completes Step 6, but fails to complete Step 7 they will be offered a conditional offer. If a student fails to complete Step 6 they will not be offered a place at Cambridge University.
Oxford University has responded by altering its entrance examination accordingly only claiming that their exam is superior to the one being used by Cambridge:
Oxford considers their examination to be of greater benefit in the workplace.
A spokesperson for Oxford University informed us:
"Cambridge will claim that their exam is more challenging and they are probably right. However we are certain that our examination will serve our students better when following their careers - particularly if they become politicians or journalists."
He finished by explaining:
“We also feel this test establishes the correct relationship between lecturer and student from the onset”
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