Replacement Entrance Exam for Cambridge University

7th February 2003

After centuries of admitting students based on academic success and written exam results Cambridge University has decided to replace the way it awards places to students on a new revolutionary system:

"I feel that this new system of testing will ensure the students we admit fit in much better with the ethos of our establishment" a spokesperson informed us.

The new test is a 7 step physical test which determines whether the applicant is rejected, or offered a conditional/unconditional offer. The steps are as follows:

If a Student completes Step 7 they will receive an unconditional offer. If a Student completes Step 6, but fails to complete Step 7 they will be offered a conditional offer. If a student fails to complete Step 6 they will not be offered a place at Cambridge University.

Oxford University has responded by altering its entrance examination accordingly only claiming that their exam is superior to the one being used by Cambridge:

A spokesperson for Oxford University informed us:

"Cambridge will claim that their exam is more challenging and they are probably right. However we are certain that our examination will serve our students better when following their careers - particularly if they become politicians or journalists."

He finished by explaining:

“We also feel this test establishes the correct relationship between lecturer and student from the onset”